Mock Draft of Dave's Life

Dave recently posted a mock draft for our fantasy football league. He is not in said league. Dave has to be one of the most sarcastic friends you have. If he's not, you wade through way too much sarcasm in your life. I thought I'd have a mock draft of events in Dave's life. I can't guarantee it will make sense for two reasons. First, does anything in Dave's life really make sense? Second, I've had about half a pitcher of margaritas thus far tonight. Let the mocking begin!

First Round in reverse order

10) Dashboard Confessional becomes irrelevant

- Before I arrived at CCU I had never met an emo. Then I met two, Dave and Katie Kidwell. They listen to music with poor singing lead singers. They wrote things on their hands. They were sadder than they deserved to be. Then people stopped listening to Dashboard. It was a sad day for Dave and his sadder-than-neccesary friends.

9) Part-time job as one of those douches dancing on the Reds dugout

- I didn't know Dave at this moment in his life. I just heard about it. In fact I'm only 42% positive it ever happened. But could you imagine if Dave actually was one of those guys? I mean they literally wear pinstriped t-shirts and attempt to entertain people that are there to watch America's past time. Seriously, people are there to watch baseball and college kids get on top of the dugout to dance. Can you imagine the disappointment people face when they wanted to see a blonde hottie and they got Dave?

8) Starbucks invented

- No organization has influenced Dave's life more than the coffee chain. No one in this league has more attachment to beans and water. I've literally never had a cup of coffee that isn't pumped full of chocolate so I don't have any more jokes.

*Other than that one time when I dated someone I didn't like and Dave got her a job. Then I dumped her and she was unable to stay for her shift. Dave had to fill in. He was pissed. That was kind of funny (5 years after the fact).

7) Doing a mock draft for a fantasy football league he's not in

- Is it just me or is Dave more dedicated to the league once he dropped out? He's gone from commish to league owner to outsider. His fall from grace has been swift and entirely self-imposed. I can't think of anything I committed to in which I don't belong. I can't wait to begin blogging on a Knight of Columbus blog.

6) Taking baths in his girlfriends' tub

- This is one of the really weird things I remember about Dave in college. He was our RA but he was never around. One day I asked where he was and he had gone to Lisa's apartment to take a bath. He didn't take a pube-less shower. He took a bath. I wanted to remind everyone of this.

5) That fake band he was in

- I can't remember the name of the band. I want to say Tomeo but that was the last name of a subpar professor and Wuske's one-time roommate. Could you imagine hearing about four guys at a university coming up with a fake boy band? We would all automatically hate those guys. (My apologies for this section insulting more than one of the members of the league)

4) Protesting the coffee shop charging for water

I remember the day. I remember the scene. I can't remember why I would actually attend the protest. Then I remember that we all went to a private Christian university of 1,000 (at best). What were we going to do? Look at the hot chicks? No. Go to a major sporting event? No. This was literally the best option I had that day: Dave protesting a coffee shop charging for water, holding a sign, and getting hosed down by Security.

3) Maurice Clarett

- Honestly, I was struggling to come up with ten events in Dave's life. This was probably unnecessary and again unfortunately includes more than one member of the league. But remember that one time your favorite college football team had an unstoppable freshman running back that lead you to the national championship? And then remember that time where he tried to go to the NFL after just one year even though that was obviously not allowed? Remember all those BCS losses after he left? Again, this was unnecessary.

2) Marrying way out of his league

- I believe we've all met Lisa. I also believe we would all agree that she is way too good for Dave. Honestly, who would put up with Dave moving from Cincinnati, to Las Vegas, to Washington and then back to Cincinnati? Kudos to Dave.

1) RA for 1st South

- Of all ten events this has to be at the top. 80% of our league lived on First South in 2003. We played unseemly amounts of racquetball, discovered Arrested Development, and lived within feet of Brady Palmer. I feel like we need a Sandlot-esque movie to encapsulate what that year was for all of us. For all the things to bust Dave's balls about, he did have a lot to do with that floor's chemistry and this league's longevity.