Logan Mankins Lost Weekend

2011 IR List

2011-09-06T08:43:00.007-04:00

Rashad Jennings - Team Touchdown There
Mikel LeShoure - Team Touchdown There
Ryan Williams - Team Fister Roboto
Demaryius Thomas - Team Fister Roboto
Osi Umenyiora - Team Touchdown There
Jamaal Charles - Team Mascots Get Got
Jordan Shipley - Team P15C
Eric Berry - Team P15C
Jon Beason - Team Cardiac Cats
Jason Campbell - Team Anthony's Weiner
Peyton Manning - Team the Kid fc
Danny Ammendola - Team Mascots Get Got
Chad Henne - Team BakdoorConquistadors
Scott Chandler - Team Holy Schmitt!
Kevin Kolb - Team Reteeth Goosen
Jay Cutler - Team Reteeth Goosen
Jahvid Best - Team Touchdown There
Knowshon Moreno - Team Mascots Get Got
Matt Cassel - Team The Steven Hauschkas
Dallas Clark - Team Holy Schmitt!
Tim Hightower - Team Anthony's Weiner
Sean Lee - Team Touchdown There
Alex Green - Team Touchdown There

2011 LMLWFFL Draft (Extravaganza) Guide

2011-08-22T10:13:00.005-04:00

Here's the cut list, draft order, and updated rosters all in one place. Let me know about any inaccuracies. The draft (extravaganza) is this Saturday (!) at Joel's house in Fairfield (or wherever).

Current Rosters
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ORH38qTsjYhlpu_e88nHCEzSm0ZE8nkd8r-bZEFF_pc/edit?hl=en_US

Ignore the NFL team listed for each player. They haven't been updated and some have been omitted altogether.

Draft Order
First Round:
1. Jason (via Wuske via Devin)
2. Wuske (via Sanders)
3. Wuske (via the Kid via Brian)
4. Brian (via Devin via Fred)
5. Devin (via Wuske via Alex via Wuske via Fred via Wuske)
6. Devin (via Fred via Jason)
7. Marcus (via Alex via Wuske via Dave)
8. Tony
9. Wuske (via The Kid)
10. Jake
11. Marcus
12. Joel

Second Round:
1. Marcus (via Devin)
2. Sanders
3. Devin (via Brian)
4. Devin (via Fred)
5. Jason (via Wuske)
6. Fred (via Devin via Jason)
7. Joel (via Dave)
8. Devin (via Marcus via Tony)
9. The Kid
10. Jake
11. Marcus
12. Joel

Third Round:
1. Devin
2. Sanders
3. Brian
4. Fred
5. Wuske
6. Jason
7. Wuske (via Dave)
8. Tony
9. The Kid
10. Jake
11. Marcus
12. Joel

Cut List

Team Wing and a Prayer:
Brian Westbrook
Tony Moeaki
Mark Clayton
Derrick Mason

Team the Kid fc ©:
Limas Sweed
James Davis
Marcel Reese
Dan Carpenter
John Kuhn

Team Cardiac Cats:
Brett Favre
Captain Munnerlyn
David Gettis

Team Caylee's Hide n Seek:
Max Hall
Trent Edwards
Jericho Cotchery

Team Never Nudes:
Cleveland DEF
Seattle DEF
T.J. Houshmandzadeh

Team Bring Slight Money:
Tony Pike
Clinton Portis

Team Touchdown There:
Ed Reed

Team Anthony's Wiener:
Elvis Dumervil

Team Fister Roboto:
Troy Smith
Brian Robiskie
Javarris James

Team the pen 15 club:
Derek Anderson
Julius Jones
Nick Folk
Robert Meachem
Patrick Crayton

Recap

2011-08-21T14:33:00.002-04:00

In case you were wondering, since August 1st, 47 players and 23 picks have traded hands. I feel like we should be on the cover of some magazine for that flurry of activity. The only team to not make a move, as far as I can tell, was Tony's. Also the only team owned by an Italian school teacher living in a different time zone than the rest of us. Coincidence?

Post-Cut List Deadline

2011-08-21T12:04:00.006-04:00

There are still guys who have over 25 guys on their rosters:

Devin - 26 (now down to 25 after cutting Ed Reed)
Kid - 26 (now down to 25 after cutting Dan Carpenter)
Joel - 28 (now down to 25 after cutting Javarris James, Brian Robiskie, and Troy Smith)
Fred - 28 (now down to 25 after cutting Derek Anderson, Julius Jones, and Nick Folk)
Tony - 26 (now down to 25 after cutting Elvis Dumervil)

If these numbers are wrong, send me your 25-man rosters and I'll drop whoever isn't on there that I had as a member of your team.

One More Trade Before The Cut List Deadline

2011-08-21T11:59:00.001-04:00

From Twitter: Deal between @mrdevin7 and @fredschmitt McNabb and 2nd round pick to Devin for McGahee, (Santana) Moss, Anthony Gonzalez

The Commish Got Jealous With all These Trades Without Him

2011-08-20T21:31:00.002-04:00

Team Bring Slight Money traded the #5 overall pick in this year's draft (extravaganza), Chad Ochocinco, and Santana Moss for Dez Bryant.

Also, from Devin: " Team touchdown there trades the #4 pick & CJ Spiller to team cardiac cats for Kenny britt, Darren sproles & brians 2nd rd pick."

People with access to this blog love trading

2011-08-20T17:49:00.004-04:00

Team the Kid fc receives Lance Moore & Marshawn Lynch.

Team Never Nudes receives Wes Welker.

Technically, I believe Moore has been on four different teams at one point or another today.

Trade-a-palooza Continues (edited ten minutes after the 1st post)

2011-08-20T16:39:00.005-04:00

Team Karate Kitnas will receive Calvin Johnson, Jahvid Best, and Team Never Nudes' 2012 1st Round Pick.

Team Never Nudes will receive Jamaal Charles and Lance Moore.

Update to previous post: Team Never Nudes will not be cutting Jabar Gaffney. Instead, they will be cutting TJ Houshmandzadeh. The whole cutting a player with a roster spot in favor of one without a roster spot really pushed their decision over the top.

Edit by the commish: Team the Karate Kitna received Lance Moore (to be able to trade him) to team Touchdown There for Malcolm Floyd.

Some Trades Not Involving the Commissioner (So They Only Half-Count)

2011-08-20T07:00:00.007-04:00

First - draft business. The draft will be held at 5p next Saturday at Joelly's house. Let me or someone else know if you need directions. We're going to do food but I'd prefer we not just boringly order pizza. If anyone has ideas (sushi bar where we eat the sushi off of some nubile, young Asian [preferably Pilipino]) then just let me know.

Team Touchdown There has traded the New York Giants defense, the Dallas Cowboys defense, and their 1st round pick in the 2012 draft (extravaganza) to Team the Karate Kitna for the Green Bay Giants defense and Lance Moore.

Team Fister Roboto has traded the St. Louis Rams defense to Team Caylee's Hide N Seek for Plaxico Burress and ~~some other wide receiver that Dave can edit into this post when he reads it~~ Anthony Armstrong.

I've decided to push back the deadline for the cut list until noon tomorrow since I may be unable to do anything with the lists until then anyhow. According to my numbers, after trades, the IR list, and the cuts I've been given already, these people still have more than 25 on their roster:

Devin - 26
Kid - 27
Joel - 28
Fred - 28
Tony - 26

More Trades Because Someone Can't Leave Well-Enough Alone

2011-08-19T15:32:00.004-04:00

Team Bring Slight Money traded Beanie Wells and Todd Heap to Team Caylee's Hide and Seek for their 1st round pick (7th overall), Ben Watson, Houston's defense, and their 3rd round pick (to save Dave the drama of actually drafting this season).

Team Bring Slight Money then traded their 2nd round pick (17th overall) to Team The Karate Kitna for Aaron Hernandez.

Team Bring Slight Money then traded their 7th overall pick in this year's draft (extravaganza) and their second 1st round pick (Team Bring Slight Money has two picks after a previous trade with Team Cardiac Cats) in next year's for Team the Kid fc's 5th overall pick in this year's draft (extravaganza) and 2nd round pick in next year's.

Trade. Plus an Official Commish Ruling!

2011-08-18T15:59:00.003-04:00

Team Bring Slight Money has traded Felix Jones and the 5th overall pick in this year's draft (extravaganza) to Team the Kid fc for his two first round picks (3rd and 9th overall).

Also we were split in discussion regarding Dave's rights to Plax, so I found the appropriate NFL rule, which allows exceptions to preseason roster numbers for IR players. Plaxico will be Dave's, but he'll have to use a roster spot on him this season as he's no longer injured. Going forward, the same rule applies, but an owner will be required to announce any players for their IR on an annual basis. This does not set a precedent for the rights to retired players who may play again (Tiki, Randy Moss, etc). That can be discussed during the draft weekend.

Still Trading, Huh?

2011-08-16T22:01:00.002-04:00

Team Cardiac Cats has traded Dwayne Bowe and Santana Moss to team Bring Slight Money for Greg Olsen and Lee Evans. If Lee Evans scores for Baltimore like he should have years ago for Buffalo, the owner of Team Bring Slight Money is liable to burn down Slight Money Stadium while laying on the 50-yard line.

Yet Another Trade.

2011-08-14T17:05:00.001-04:00

Team Cardiac Cats has traded their first round pick in next year's (2012) draft (extravaganza) to Team Bring Slight Money for Vince Young and Indy's defense.

Another Other Trade!

2011-08-13T11:35:00.001-04:00

Team The Karate Kitna has traded Matt Forte, Beanie Wells, and Chad Ochocinco to team Bring Slight Money for their 1st round pick (#1 overall) in this year's draft (extravaganza).

Another Trade!

2011-08-12T19:01:00.002-04:00

Team BSanders has traded their 1st round pick (#2 overall) and Greg Olsen to Team Bring Slight Money for Antonio Gates. Team Bring Slight Money also requested the rights to Merlin Olsen and a case of Molson Canadian, but was declined.

Trade!

2011-08-12T17:52:00.002-04:00

Team The Pen 15 Club has traded their 1st round pick (#5 overall) in the 2011 LMLWFFL Draft (extravaganza) to Team Bring Slight Money for Brandon Jacobs. So yes, for what was the 4th overall pick two weeks ago, Fred has acquired Matt Schaub and Brandon Jacobs.

Cut List

2011-08-12T06:59:00.014-04:00

Here's the list of player's cut by their LMLWFFL Teams. We may or may not include updated rosters after cuts, trades, etc. If we don't, the simple formula to figure out a team's accurate roster is : Team rosters (from Dave's 7/25 post) plus IR list (from Dave's 7/26 post) plus or minus players from any offseason trades made (posted after Dave's 7/26 post) minus players on a team's cut list.

Team Wing and a Prayer:
Brian Westbrook
Tony Moeaki
Mark Clayton
Derrick Mason

Team the Kid fc ©:
Limas Sweed
James Davis
Marcel Reese
Dan Carpenter
John Kuhn

Team Cardiac Cats:
Brett Favre
Captain Munnerlyn
David Gettis

Team Caylee's Hide n Seek:
Max Hall
Trent Edwards
Jericho Cotchery

Team Never Nudes:
Cleveland DEF
Seattle DEF
T.J. Houshmandzadeh

Team Bring Slight Money:
Tony Pike
Clinton Portis

Team Touchdown There:
Ed Reed

Team Anthony's Wiener:
Elvis Dumervil

Team Fister Roboto:
Troy Smith
Brian Robiskie
Javarris James

Team the pen 15 club:
Derek Anderson
Julius Jones
Nick Folk

Remember, I (Shawn) need all cut lists emailed to me by Saturday, August 20th. (EDIT: Now Sunday the 21st, by noon) Let me know if you have any questions.

Three-Team Trade: Uncreative Title Post Division

2011-08-01T16:03:00.002-04:00

A three-way trade has just been completed between the owners of Team Touchdown There, Team The Pen 15 Club, and Team Bring Slight Money. AND IT WENT DOWN LIKE DIS:

Team Touchdown There gets: The 4th overall pick in this year's Draft (extravaganza)
Donald Brown

Team The Pen 15 Club gets: The 5th overall pick in this year's Draft (extravaganza)
Matt Schaub

Team Bring Slight Money gets: The 1st overall pick in this year's Draft (extravaganza)
Steve Smith (NYG)
Donald Driver

Need To Know

2011-07-26T09:20:00.012-04:00

Here's a round up of things you need to know going into the next season:

The 2011 LMLWFFL Draft-ganza will be held on Saturday, August 27th at a time and location to be determined. If you have a good locale for the draft, please share your suggestion. I promise not to judge it against the awesomeness of last year's draft.

Remember that we're doing a different draft order (7th place gets the 1st pick and 12th place gets the 6th pick) and I've noted where trades affected the draft order. Below that is the list of players on IR. Remember that you have to have a 25 man roster by 11:59:59pm on SATURDAY, AUGUST 20th which includes letting Wuske know who your IR guys that are staying or going. That way players that are available and updated rosters can be published with time to evaluate before the draft is held.

DRAFT ORDER
First Round:
1. Jason (via Wuske via Devin)
2. Wuske (via Sanders)
3. Wuske (via the Kid via Brian)
4. Brian (via Devin via Fred)
5. Devin (via Wuske via Alex via Wuske via Fred via Wuske)
6. Jason
7. Alex (via Wuske via Dave)
8. Tony
9. Wuske (via The Kid)
10. Jake
11. Marcus
12. Joel

Second Round:
1. Marcus (via Devin)
2. Sanders
3. Devin (via Brian)
4. Devin (via Fred)
5. Jason (via Wuske)
6. Jason
7. Joel (via Dave)
8. Marcus (via Tony)
9. The Kid
10. Jake
11. Marcus
12. Joel

Third Round:
1. Devin
2. Sanders
3. Brian
4. Fred
5. Wuske
6. Jason
7. Wuske (via Dave)
8. Tony
9. The Kid
10. Jake
11. Marcus
12. Joel

INJURED RESERVE
Ed Reed - Team Touchdown There
Monterio Hardesty - Team Never Nudes
Donnie Avery - Team Never Nudes
Limas Sweed - Team The Kid fc ©
Ryan Grant - Team The Kid fc ©
Elvis Dumerveil - Team Saban's Pimps
Mark Clayton - Team ___ it in the ___
Dennis Dixon - Team The Motorboaterz
Jermichael Finley - Team ___ it in the ___
Victor Cruz - Team Bring Slight Money
Dallas Clark - Team Salud~Dinero~Amor
Vincent Jackson - Team The Karate Kitna
Anthony Gonzalez - Team Touchdown There
Sidney Rice - Team No Stealies
Matthew Stafford - Team The Karate Kitna
Stephen Gostkowski - Team Never Nudes
Mike Nugent - Team The Motorboaterz
Ryan Torain - Team Salud~Dinero~Amor
Clinton Portis - Team Bring Slight Money
Frank Gore - Team the Kid fc ©

Attempted Free Agency Round Up

2011-07-26T07:14:00.022-04:00

[last updated 08/02 5:05p]

This is starting to get less fun :/

DEALS:
Ronnie Brown (RB) - signed by Philadelphia (Salud~Dinero~Amor)
Randy Moss (WR) - retired (Bring Slight Money)
Tim Hightower (RB) - traded to Washington (Saban's Pimps)
Plaxico Burress (WR) - signed by New York Jets (FA but Dave may still have rights?)
Marion Barber (RB) - signed by Chicago (the pen 15 club)

I'm going to do my best to keep up with the cuts, signings, and other nonsense that will be happening over the next couple of days. The liklihood of this being totally up to date at any given time is less than good and I might even be bored with it by 10a this morning, BUT IT'S WORTH THE EFFORT.

If any of the other blog dudes who have access want to make any changes to this post to update it, please feel free. ~~I also can't get to the roster list right this second but as soon as someone emails it to me at work, I'll add the Logan Mankins team the players below belong to.~~ I'll try to keep it to the relevant players though adding J. Jones to that list seems like I'm not trying very hard. Here's what we know right now:

ARCHIVED MOVES:
Trent Edwards (QB) - signed by Oakland (The Motorboaterz)
Michael Jenkins (WR) - signed by Minnesota (FA)
Donovan McNabb (QB) - traded to Minnesota (pen 15 club)
Joseph Addai (RB) - re-signed by Indianapolis (bsanders)
Jeromiah Masoli (RB/QB) - signed by San Francisco (FA)
Mike Sims-Walker (WR) - signed by St Louis (Cardiac Cats)
Matt Moore (QB) - signed by Miami (FA)
Willis McGahee (RB) - signed by Denver (Touchdown There)
Chad Ochocinco (WR) - traded to New England (The Karate Kitna)
Vince Young (QB) - signed by Philadelphia (Bring Slight Money)
Roy Williams (WR) - signed by Chicago (FA)
Brandon Jackson (RB) - signed by Cleveland (Salud~Dinero~Amor)
Darren Sproles (RB) - signed by New Orleans (Cardiac Cats)
Derek Anderson (QB) - cut by Arizona (the pen 15 club)
David Akers (K) - signed by San Francisco (the pen 15 club
Kevin Kolb (QB) - traded to Arizona (Bring Slight Money)
Brad Smith (WR/QBish) - signed by Buffalo (Touchdown There)
Reggie Bush (RB) - traded to Miami (bsanders)
Jabar Gaffney (WR) - traded to Washington (Never Nudes)
Lance Moore (WR) - re-signed by New Orleans (The Karate Kitna)
Adam Vinatieri (K) - re-signed by Indianapolis (Salud~Dinero~Amor)
Bruce Gradkowski (QB lol) - signed by Cincinnati (FA lol) LOLOLOL
Steve Breaston (WR) - signed by Kansas City (Saban's Pimps)
Sidney Rice (WR) - signed by Seattle (Wing and a Prayer)
DeAngelo Williams (RB) - re-signed by Carolina (Cardiac Cats)
Santonio Holmes (WR) - re-signed by New York Jets (Bring Slight Money)
Devin Aromashodu (WR) - signed by Minnesota (The Karate Kitna)
Mason Crosby (K) - re-signed by Green Bay (Cardiac Cats)
Matt Hasselbeck (QB) - signed by Tennessee (The Karate Kitna)
Jacoby Jones (WR) - re-signed by Houston (The Motorboaterz)
Alex Smith (QB) - re-signed by San Francisco (FA)
Matt Leinart (QB) - re-signed by Houston (FA)
Tavaris Jackson (QB) - signed by Seattle (FA)
Quintin Mikell (IDP) - signed by St. Louis (Never Nudes)
Santana Moss (WR) - re-signed by Washington (Cardiac Cats)
Willis McGahee (RB) - cut by Baltimore (Touchdown There)
Todd Heap (TE) - cut by Baltimore (Bring Slight Money)
Julius Jones (RB) - cut by New Orleans (the pen 15 club)
Derrick Mason (WR) - cut by Baltimore (Wing and a Prayer)

Copy/Paste Nightmare Fuel

2011-07-25T18:50:00.004-04:00

I don't know how it's 2011 and we don't have a good way of exporting the rosters, but I copy/pasted them out of Yahoo(!) and into a Google Document. They're in the document that's at this link so you can search by doing some CTRL-Fing. I will not be making any changes to this so from here on out it's up to you to keep your copy up to date. Highlights include:

- Keeping them a secret from Sanders so you can continue the competitive advantage you've always had against the uniformed and uninterested!

- Laughing uncontrollably at rosters like mine with three Quarterbacks (Trent Edwards, Max Hall, and Chad Henne) who will be lucky to ever cash another check cut by the NFL!

- Jake has four DEFs!

All this and more can be found in the list. Enjoy CTRL-Fers!

The Veg (VAAAAAAAAAG - with a hard 'g')

2011-06-14T19:04:00.003-04:00

We're going back!

Facebook told you this but let this be an excuse to update the blog per multiple requests in the last post.

Oh yeah! Bry-Guy got engaged. Or engorged. Or something. I don't know - Facebook would also be your source.

Can we just run the league through Facebook next season?

Wing and a Prayer Loses Championship, Virginity In the Course of One Gregorian Week

2010-12-29T20:24:00.002-05:00

It was a rough/awesome week for our beloved Wings and Prayerers. Not only did the organization get its hetero on for the first time in the history of the franchise, but it also managed to squander the amazing first season of Arian "Not Like the Nazis" Foster. A post-concussive performance for the ages from Aaron Rodgers proved to be the undoing that sent the Wings and Prayers packing for the season.

The good news for franchise quarterback Payton Manning? Commercial season is starting early this year!

None of this should take away from the amazing performance from Salud~Dinero~Amor. That franchise overcame a lot of adversity - namely being forced to start an Ivy League quarterback for large sections of the season. I think that we can all agree that we're glad God decided to start letting good things happen to Stevie Johnson again in this, his first Logan Mankins Lost Weekend Fantasy Football League championship.

Congrats to the first two time champion of the League. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we appreciate getting double penetrated by you.

2010 IR List

2010-09-11T19:07:00.013-04:00

Ed Reed - Team Touchdown There
Monterio Hardesty - Team Never Nudes
Donnie Avery - Team Never Nudes
Limas Sweed - Team The Kid fc ©
Ryan Grant - Team The Kid fc ©
Elvis Dumerveil - Team Saban's Pimps
Mark Clayton - Team ___ it in the ___
Dennis Dixon - Team The Motorboaterz
Jermichael Finley - Team ___ it in the ___
Victor Cruz - Team Bring Slight Money
Dallas Clark - Team Salud~Dinero~Amor
Vincent Jackson - Team The Karate Kitna
Anthony Gonzalez - Team Touchdown There
Sidney Rice - Team No Stealies
Matthew Stafford - Team The Karate Kitna
Stephen Gostkowski - Team Never Nudes
Mike Nugent - Team The Motorboaterz
Ryan Torain - Team Salud~Dinero~Amor
Clinton Portis - Team Bring Slight Money
Frank Gore - Team the Kid fc ©

2011 Draft Pick Trades

2010-09-11T09:52:00.003-04:00

This is the running thread to keep track of trades that involved Draft Picks for the 2011 Draftacular.

First Round:
The Kid has Brian's pick

Second Round:
Joel has Dave's pick

Trade City USA: Threeway Edition

2010-08-16T13:26:00.003-04:00

An unofficial threeway happened. Don't tell the ministers in the league.

Joel Gets:
Desean Jackson (WR - PHI)
Trent Edwards (QB - BUF)
13th overall pick in the 2010 LMLWFFL Draft

Dave Gets:
9th overall pick in the 2010 LMLWFFL Draft

Fred Gets:
LaDanian Tomlinson (RB - NYJ)
Robert Meachum (WR - NO)

I'll wait to update the draft order in case more trades come through.

FAAB (Free Agent Acquisition Budget)

2010-08-09T08:41:00.002-04:00

This is a new way to do free agent acquisitions. It allows every team a shot at every free agent. It would stop our habit of adding and dropping all "willy nilly." We would need to decide how we determine the waiver wire priority. See below. Discuss.

How do Free Agent Acquisition Budgets (FAAB) work in Fantasy Football?

In a Free Agents Acquisition Budgets (FAAB) waivers system, each manager receives a dollar amount to place blind bids on waived players. The manager with the highest bid at the end of the waiver period claims that player and that bid amount is deducted from the team's acquisition budget. If multiple managers place an equal bid on a player, tiebreaker options are available as described below.

Continual rolling list: Waiver claims are processed in waiver priority order and each successful claim moves a manager to the end of the waiver priority list.

Reverse order of standings: Waiver claims are processed in reverse order of standings and successful claims do not affect waiver priority list.

Weekly rolling list based on standings: Waiver claims are processed in reverse order of standings and each successful claim moves a manager to the end of the waiver priority list.

The Official Date and Time of LMLWFFL 2010 Draft (Extravaganza): Vegas Style

2010-08-08T15:46:00.002-04:00

Dudes. The draft will be held on Tuesday, August 24th at 3:00pm PST (4:00pm MST, 6:00pm EST, and 11:00pm GMT). Hopefully this gives everyone the opportunity to participate live, even if not in person. If you won't be available during this time, send someone who will be at the draft (I believe the full list is: me, Dave, Devin, Jake, Joel, and Marcus) your top 36 players* by 11:59 pm on Monday, August 23rd. If we don't receive your list, your picks will be moved to the end of each round and we'll try to give you the best available pick. Although that's subjective, so don't rely on a group of dudes that are gonna be bitter that you couldn't even take the time to come up with a player list.

*It doesn't really need to be 36, just the number of your final pick of the draft.

Trade Thread (updated 2.14p 08/05)

2010-08-05T14:01:00.003-04:00

Here's your running update post that includes the most up to date info on trades and the draft order. Let me know if I miss anything by sending me a direct message on Twitter or calling/texting me.

Trades:

Trade One
Joel Receives -
9th Pick in 2010 Draft
Austin Collie WR IND
Robert Meachum WR NO

Dave Receives -
Chad Henne QB MIA

Trade Two
Frisch Receives -
Maurice Jones-Drew RB JAX
Chad Ochocinco WR CIN
Jamaal Charles RB KC

Dave Receives -
Brandon Marshall WR MIA
1st Pick in 2010 Draft
13th Pick in 2010 Draft

Draft Round One
1. Dave (via Frisch)
2. Devin (via Brian)
3. Jake
4. Fred
5. Tony
6. Devin
7. Joel
8. Shawn
9. Joel (via Dave)
10. Sanders
11. The Kid
12. Marcus

Draft Round Two
13. Dave (via Frisch)
14. Brian
15. Jake
16. Fred
17. Tony
18. Devin
19. Joel
20. Shawn
21. Devin (via Joel via Dave)
22. Sanders
23. The Kid
24. Marcus

Draft Round Three
25. Frisch
26. Brian
27. Jake
28. Fred
29. Tony
30. Devin
31. Joel
32. Shawn
33. Dave
34. Sanders
35. The Kid
36. Marcus

Trade City, USA

2010-08-05T09:41:00.002-04:00

Joel gets:
The 9th pick in the 2010 draft
Austin Collie - WR IND
Robert Meachum - WR NO

Dave gets:
Chad Henne - QB MIA
A feeling of self loathing for acquiring a player from Michigan (zing)

Communicating with the New GM

2010-08-04T16:42:00.003-04:00

Frisch is desperate for fresh man meat on his team. Evidently his whole team used to be managed by Barry and is in shambles. So it's all available. Wide open. Get a hold of him via Facebook. I was going to post his e-mail address on here but I don't want him getting spammed by all of the Asians who love to comment on our posts and listen to old Run DMC records.

Welcome to Your New League, Mr. Fresh!

2010-08-03T20:09:00.008-04:00

Press Coordinator Farris: I’d like to thank all of you for making time to come out tonight. We have a very special announcement to make and I’m sure you’ve all been waiting to hear about the direction that league is planning on going.

We’ve had a lot of turmoil during this season. We lost a lot of good men out there. But ultimately, what doesn’t kill us physically as a league makes us stronger emotionally as men. That’s why we’re happy to announce today the addition of our newest manager, Jason Fresh. Mr. Fresh has a long and storied history among the members of the group…

Adam Schefter, ESPN: PC Farris, I believe his last name is pronounced “Frisch.”

Michael Richards, Vogue Magazine: It’s pronounced “thermometer.”

Farris: No questions at this time, please. Now as I was saying, Mr. Fresh has a long and storied history in the Fantasy Sports world. It should be noted that everything he’s done up to this point was simply preparation for stepping into manhood. He will be the first person to join the league since its inception five years ago. This obviously puts an end to the rumours of relegation that were out there and I’d like to thank our expansion consultants Jack Mehoff and Mike Hunt for working so hard to pull this together in a week. Now, do we have any questions?

Kai Ryssdal, Public Radio International: Yes, how does this affect future drafts and what will Mr. Frisch’s role be?

Farris: Excellent questions. First, Mr. Fresh will be assuming the General Manager’s role at Team Pee Pee. It has been a harrowing five year experiment for that team, but it’s now pretty clear that an ambiguously gay owner can be either fierce OR competitive but not both at the same time. It became pretty clear early on in that experiment which way the former GM was leaning.

As to future draft information – the six play off teams will be slotted normally (huh huh) putting the winner of the league at the 12th pick, runner up at 11th, and then the following four teams in descending order based on record with the best record starting at the 10th pick. The real mix up comes with picks 1 through 6. Pick 1 will go to the team with the 6th worst record, Pick 2 to the team with the 7th best record, and so on. The worst performing team will pick 6th going forward to help maintain the competitive balance of the league and really stick it to Fred.

Larry Fonghauser, Mt. Adams Tribune: Do you have anymore profane and stupid pictures?

Farris: Glad you asked.

Rosters - 01 August 2010

2010-08-01T21:02:00.001-04:00

Don't expect me to update this because it was a real bitch.

https://files.me.com/david.farris/c39e02

Kangaroo Balls!

SEA CHANGE!

2010-07-27T13:26:00.004-04:00

Proposed offseason trade!!!

LMLWFFL trades One Blonde Bear Named Barry
LMLWFFL receives One Blonde Twink Named Dave

That's right. It looks as though Bud has decided to take his underutilized ball and go home. This has caused all kinds of discussions and creative ideas around the LMLWFFL labs and the best idea that seemed to get the most attention was to do the following...

1. Take Dave back. We all know that him quitting was temporary anyhow.
2. Create a relegation system a la the English Premier League.

For you Philistines unfamiliar with the EPL's relegation rules, the idea is that the last place team will be relegated for the next season. Since there is no LMLWFFL Championship Division, that means that last place will have to sit out the next season. Seems harsh, right?

Well the other idea was to contract to a 10 team league. The biggest problem with this is that the talent pool becomes so diluted that fielding a bunch of all-stars every week just felt like it wouldn't work in the long run. There are some rules which we'll get into for this, but there are some questions to be answered.

1. What happens with Bud's players?
Auction draft. Not that anyone would want to pay a high price for them anyhow, but I think Wuske is going to work the details out on this. Assume for now that the first and only Bear Auction will happen the same day as the annual draftacular.

2. Who sits out this season?
Dave. As punishment for turning his back on you, he should have to sit out the next season. We'll probably make him blow all of us too.

3. How will this whole relegation thing work?
Excellent question. There are a few main components to the relegation rules that need the most attention. The first has to do with trades. While it would make sense for a player to dump all his vets for a bunch of young guys if he's going to sit out a season, this will be frowned upon and voted out. It'll take 66% to vote a trade through if it involves a relegated team starting at the beginning of this season. That's to discourage dumping (huh-huh). Secondly, the draft. The relegated team will draft 1st in the draft preceding his team's return, and will draft slotted according to his spot in the new proposed draft order, which I'll explain below.* Third, a team that doesn't participate in a season doesn't have to contribute to the jersey fund for the winner. There. I just saved you like $8. Fourth, a relegated team will still have the right and responsibility to vote in all trades and league stuff as well as showing up to everything. It's not excommunication. Dave still wants to drink with you geeks.

4. This is stupid/awesome I want to vote for/veto the eff out of this? How do I do that?
Now's your chance. You get until Friday night at 8p to voice your opinion in the comments and say whether you are okay with it or veto it. It's going to take 6 of you to veto so you better get those votes together. A vote for a veto is a vote for a 10 team league where both Dave's team and Barry's old team are liquidated.

*To promote competition even among teams not making the playoffs in a given season, and to assure that the first overall pick in every draft will spend their first season on a relegated team, we would like to change the way we set the draft order. Although there will only be ten teams playing on any given season, we will still have six playoff teams, and their draft positions will be slotted as normal. The team returning from relegation will draft first, and then the four non-playoff teams will draft in the 2-5 spots in the opposite order that they would have in the past. For example, the seventh place team (first out of the playoffs) will pick 2nd and the last place team (the team about to be relegated) will pick 5th. Obviously we won't change that for the upcoming draft, so Devin now has the first overall pick and everyone else also moves up a slot. I believe Davey said he'd take the last pick this year, especially since he'll be getting the 1st next year, but he can correct me if necessary.

"F*CK YOU PAY ME!"

2010-05-17T19:18:00.004-04:00

Or so says Mr. Mankins. Those Patriots jerseys may soon be all but obsolete but I'm sure the Patriots will figure this one out. They did when his agent freaked the eff out in 2007 and they'll do it again.

If they don't, Robert Kraft will be facing the superhuman strength as indicated below:

Image via pennlive.com

Four Games..surprise, surprise...

2010-05-07T19:04:00.005-04:00

Scandal!! It looks like one of Pete Carroll's players went on to the NFL where he used steroids! Who would've ever thought this was possible?!?! Brian Cushing - member of Team TBA that is managed by GM TBA - will be joining Big Ben on the bench for a few games at the start of the season. Adam Schefter (who is a very very very fine man) has the info for you via Twitter...

Mock Draft of Dave's Life

2010-04-30T21:25:00.004-04:00

Dave recently posted a mock draft for our fantasy football league. He is not in said league. Dave has to be one of the most sarcastic friends you have. If he's not, you wade through way too much sarcasm in your life. I thought I'd have a mock draft of events in Dave's life. I can't guarantee it will make sense for two reasons. First, does anything in Dave's life really make sense? Second, I've had about half a pitcher of margaritas thus far tonight. Let the mocking begin!

First Round in reverse order

10) Dashboard Confessional becomes irrelevant

- Before I arrived at CCU I had never met an emo. Then I met two, Dave and Katie Kidwell. They listen to music with poor singing lead singers. They wrote things on their hands. They were sadder than they deserved to be. Then people stopped listening to Dashboard. It was a sad day for Dave and his sadder-than-neccesary friends.

9) Part-time job as one of those douches dancing on the Reds dugout

- I didn't know Dave at this moment in his life. I just heard about it. In fact I'm only 42% positive it ever happened. But could you imagine if Dave actually was one of those guys? I mean they literally wear pinstriped t-shirts and attempt to entertain people that are there to watch America's past time. Seriously, people are there to watch baseball and college kids get on top of the dugout to dance. Can you imagine the disappointment people face when they wanted to see a blonde hottie and they got Dave?

8) Starbucks invented

- No organization has influenced Dave's life more than the coffee chain. No one in this league has more attachment to beans and water. I've literally never had a cup of coffee that isn't pumped full of chocolate so I don't have any more jokes.

*Other than that one time when I dated someone I didn't like and Dave got her a job. Then I dumped her and she was unable to stay for her shift. Dave had to fill in. He was pissed. That was kind of funny (5 years after the fact).

7) Doing a mock draft for a fantasy football league he's not in

- Is it just me or is Dave more dedicated to the league once he dropped out? He's gone from commish to league owner to outsider. His fall from grace has been swift and entirely self-imposed. I can't think of anything I committed to in which I don't belong. I can't wait to begin blogging on a Knight of Columbus blog.

6) Taking baths in his girlfriends' tub

- This is one of the really weird things I remember about Dave in college. He was our RA but he was never around. One day I asked where he was and he had gone to Lisa's apartment to take a bath. He didn't take a pube-less shower. He took a bath. I wanted to remind everyone of this.

5) That fake band he was in

- I can't remember the name of the band. I want to say Tomeo but that was the last name of a subpar professor and Wuske's one-time roommate. Could you imagine hearing about four guys at a university coming up with a fake boy band? We would all automatically hate those guys. (My apologies for this section insulting more than one of the members of the league)

4) Protesting the coffee shop charging for water

I remember the day. I remember the scene. I can't remember why I would actually attend the protest. Then I remember that we all went to a private Christian university of 1,000 (at best). What were we going to do? Look at the hot chicks? No. Go to a major sporting event? No. This was literally the best option I had that day: Dave protesting a coffee shop charging for water, holding a sign, and getting hosed down by Security.

3) Maurice Clarett

- Honestly, I was struggling to come up with ten events in Dave's life. This was probably unnecessary and again unfortunately includes more than one member of the league. But remember that one time your favorite college football team had an unstoppable freshman running back that lead you to the national championship? And then remember that time where he tried to go to the NFL after just one year even though that was obviously not allowed? Remember all those BCS losses after he left? Again, this was unnecessary.

2) Marrying way out of his league

- I believe we've all met Lisa. I also believe we would all agree that she is way too good for Dave. Honestly, who would put up with Dave moving from Cincinnati, to Las Vegas, to Washington and then back to Cincinnati? Kudos to Dave.

1) RA for 1st South

- Of all ten events this has to be at the top. 80% of our league lived on First South in 2003. We played unseemly amounts of racquetball, discovered Arrested Development, and lived within feet of Brady Palmer. I feel like we need a Sandlot-esque movie to encapsulate what that year was for all of us. For all the things to bust Dave's balls about, he did have a lot to do with that floor's chemistry and this league's longevity.

How To View Rosters

2010-04-29T20:53:00.004-04:00

I've heard that a few people don't know how to access their rosters. I'm kind of a smart ass and also do this as part of a living, so I made a PowerPoint presentation showing the process. You can download it by following the link behind these words.

Hey look! It's a picture of the grandma of the member of the league who complained about not being able to see his rosters! It's our first offseason mystery! Guesses in the comments...

Mock Draft (w/J. Reinold) v1.0

2010-04-25T15:09:00.002-04:00

For whatever reason, we'll give this a try.

Expect this to change multiple times. I'm only going to do the first round and similar to Mel and Todd I expect to be skewered for my picks. Realize there are plenty of opportunities for things to change and just because I say you have a suckey RB set doesn't make it true.

*DISCLAIMER* I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you.

Round.One
1. Team Pee Pee [Barry] - Ryan Matthews RB San Diego Chargers: Bud should probably trade out of this pick to try and get a Running Back that can produce today. He's coming into this season after addressing the QB situation last year but with Brian Westbrook on his way out and Matt Forte as his only running back younger than 30. I think that he could get a serviceable back for the season by trading down and taking a different player. But if he's stuck in this spot, Matthews provides the best opportunity at points today in a steady offense where he will see playing time this season.

2. Touchdown There [Devin] - Jahvid Best RB Detroit Lions: Devin isn't as desperate as Bud for production today, but Steve Slaton is not panning out as planned. With two picks he can address his need at Running Back early and probably pick up a young quarterback with the sixth pick.

3. Never Nudes [Jake] - Toby Gerhart RB Minnesota Vikings: Jake has a great, young roster and is totally stacked at the quarterback position. He has two great running backs as well, so this pick is probably one that hopes to build on the future. Gerhart could be the demise of AP or he could sit on the bench for his career behind him. It would be taking a pretty good chance, but I think taking a young wide receiver this early would be an even bigger gamble.

4. the pen 15 club [Fred] - C.J. Spiller RB Buffalo Bills: The first homer pick of the draft! Fred is depending on Pierre Thomas going into this year which is okay for the time being, but probably not the kind of future planning that's winnable. Picking up C.J. Spiller could work well for him and will also give him the chance to pick up a Buffalo Bills draft pick not named Wang.

5. Life Support [Tony] - Dez Bryant WR Dallas Cowboys: This is a tough pick because who knows what Jason Campbell will do in Oakland. Tony has to get younger at wide receiver and if Bryant is able to be any good at all, Roy Williams should be out soon enough to get some plenty of opportunities for Dez.

6. Touchdown There [Devin] (pick acquired in trade with Brian) - Colt McCoy QB Cleveland Browns:As much as everyone likes to hate on McCoy for being an inch or two too short, I think he has the better potential career than Bradford, Clausen, or Tebow. First, Holmgren has said he will make him sit out in his first season. That may be a lie, but I feel like giving him the time to develop can't hurt. I also think he's less of a chance for injury than Bradford and more of a known quarterback quantity than Tebow. Finally I like the fact that Holmgren will be developing him. Brett Favre may be the worst human being (ever) but he was still a nothing quarterback who has everyone constantly on his nuts. Devin needs the insurance in case Brees starts to fizzle in a couple of years or gets hurt.

7. Neverland Ranchhands [Joel] - Golden Tate WR Seattle Seahawks: Joel's M.O. in this league from day one has been "old players". That may have worked, but he could address a need at wide receiver with this pick. Tate should get plenty of opportunity to play this season and that could work out well for the Ranchhands.

8. Umpire the Giant [Shawn] - Ben Tate RB Houston Texans: Shawn has a lot of young running backs, but for the most part they aren't contributing at a high level. Taking the chance on another young guy who would have to beat out Steve Slaton in the next couple years may be stupid, but it was this or Montario Hardesty. I know he'd almost take Hardesty based on his name alone, but I figured since Tate was from the SEC that the loyalty to conference went before loyalty to silly name appreciation.

9. (Team TBD) [GM TBD] - Jimmy Clausen QB Carolina Panthers: I would first like to thank Jesus and all of His Angels for the fact that I won't have to make this pick. First because I would probably vomit as the words for the pick were coming out of my moth. Second, it pisses me off that I would have to pick this punk simply because Big Ben can't keep his gray penis in his pants. And lastly, fuck Jimmy Clausen.

10. bsanders [obvs] - Sam Bradford QB St. Louis Rams: As a Bengals fan, I would argue the writing has been on the wall for three or four seasons regarding Carson Palmer. The fact that the team went out of their way to keep the ball out of the air last season continues to indicate to me the lack of faith that they have in Palmer's future. He's been mediocre at best and serviceable as a Fantasy quarterback. If Sanders is willing to run with Bulger, then he should be okay taking his heir apparent as well.

11. the Kid fc© [Alex] - Montario Hardesty RB Cleveland Browns: As much as I know he would've liked to have one of the Irish fall to him, I think the Kid will be stuck taking a Running Back that has a chance of starting this season. Joe McKnight is still on the board but he's been average at best and will be behind a logjam in New York and Dexter McCluster is someone I simply don't know enough about to assume he'll do anything behind an awful offensive line in KC. So Hardesty may be good and he may be bad, but the Kid also has one of the best teams top to bottom in this league based on last year's points.

12. _____ it in the _____ [Marcus] - Jermaine Gresham TE Cincinnati Bengals: Taking a TE in the first round in our league isn't nearly as unforgivable as a normal league, but this is still a little bit of a reach. Though he won the jersey, his record sucked. Though his record sucked, he lost four of those games by a combined 10 or so points. Those 10 points could easily be made up by having a tight end that can score more than two points a game which I would expect from Gresham.

Free Agent Tracker

2010-03-03T19:03:00.003-05:00

It's much easier to do this on Twitter. Follow the Mankins feed at twitter.com/lmlwffl for the hot Free Agent Frenzy™ action.

I'll update this post every couple of days as the Free Agent Frenzy™ begins. I thought about naming it something related to uncapped, but the only pictures I could come up with were Ron Howard with his hat off and an uncircumcised penis. Neither issue being safe for work, life, wives, or sanity we'll just be calling it the Free Agent Frenzy™.

For now, the rumors with players who are expected to be sent packing as well as players already confirmed gone. I'll try and focus on players who are on one of the LMLWFFL teams but sometimes I can't remember if Chad Pennington is relevant to this league anymore (hint...he's not):

RB - Thomas Jones - Free Agent
RB - Chester Taylor - Probs will go
RB - LaDanian Tomlinson - Free Agent
RB - Brian Westbrook - Free Agent
RB - Darren Sproles - Maybe will go
WR - Derrick Mason - Is threatening to retire
QB - Chad Pennington - Maybe will go
RB - Kevin Faulk - Maybe will go
TE - Ben Watson - Maybe will go
WR - Terrell Owens - ?????
RB - "Fast" Willie Parker - Maybe will go
WR - Muhsin Muhammad - Maybe will go
RB - DeShawn Wynn - It's up to him

This will get more information as time goes on. Also it'll get a new picture of a dinosaur banging a robot at every update.

The Draft is Coming

2010-02-16T13:15:00.004-05:00

After the Olympics conclude, the only light in the wilderness of sucky upcoming sports will be the NFL Draft. The draft is great because it gives all of the members of the league who didn't bail at the end of this last season the chance to peruse the new rookie hotness. It also gives Bud all the inspiration he needs to draft Ndamukong Suh with the first overall pick in his never ending quest to be just like an NFL GM. The NFL Draft order first since that's closer than the VEGASPALOOZADRAFTTACULARSTURBATION!!

1. St. Louis (1-15)
2. Detroit (2-14)
3. Tampa Bay (3-13)
4. Washington (4-12)
5. Kansas City (4-12)
6. Seattle (5-11)
7. Cleveland (5-11)
8. Oakland (5-11)
9. Buffalo (6-10)
10. Jacksonville^ (7-9)
11. Denver [from Chicago]^ (7-9)
12. Miami (7-9)
13. San Francisco (8-8)
14. Seattle [from Denver] (8-8)
15. New York Giants (8-8)
16. Tennessee^ (8-8)
17. San Francisco [from Carolina]^ (8-8)
18. Pittsburgh (9-7)
19. Atlanta^ (9-7)
20. Houston^ (9-7)
21. Cincinnati (10-6)
22. New England (10-6)
23. Green Bay (11-5)
24. Philadelphia (11-5)
25. Baltimore (9-7)
26. Arizona (10-6)
27. Dallas (11-5)
28. San Diego (13-3)
29. New York Jets (9-7)
30. Minnesota (12-4)
31. Indianapolis (14-2)
32. New Orleans (13-3)

The contingencies above denoted with these guys (^) indicate a coin flip will be used to determine who picks first. Still. Flipping. Coins. The order for the 2010 LMLWFFL VEGASPALOOZADRAFTTACULARSTURBATION!! is as follows...

1. Team Pee Pee [Barry] 2-11
2. Touchdown There [Devin] 3-10
3. Never Nudes [Jake] 5-8
4. the pen 15 club [Fred] 6-7
5. Life Support [Tony] 6-7
6. Cardiac Cats [Brian] 6-7
7. Neverland Ranchhands [Joel] 7-6
8. Umpire the Giant [Shawn] 9-4
9. (Team TBD) [GM TBD] 10-3
10. bsanders [obvs] 11-2
11. the Kid fc© [Alex] 7-6
12. _____ it in the _____ [Marcus] 6-7

It's too bad Sanders doesn't read this blog, because when I see that someone who spent the last half of the season under .500 it warms my heart. For the other propaganda posters that I didn't use based on their racist representations of the people of the great country of Japan, you can follow this link and this link.

Time to Fill That Seat Hole

2010-02-07T21:45:00.003-05:00

With the NFL season officially in the books, this league is in need of a new owner/GM. A few names have been thrown out including Nate and Frisch. Someone joked about Barnes joining the fray, but evidently that may not have been as serious a suggestion as was first assumed.

It's my understanding that if Nate can make it to Vegas that the job is his. Any objections, comments, thoughts, or further nominations will be accepted below. I think making it to the draft is a deal breaker for the first year GM.

"I DO WHAT I WANT!"

2009-12-29T19:25:00.002-05:00

Q: Coach Marcus, why did you wait until the very end of Monday night's game to wrap up your championship?

A: I DO WHAT I WANT!

Congratulations to ____ it in the ____ for winning the 2009 Logan Mankins Lost Weekend Fantasy Football League Mankins Bowl. If we were judging the validity of championships based on team names, no one would question the legitimacy of the 2010 Champ.

DeMarcus Ware/Umpire the Giant's Championship Hopes Carried Off Field on Cart (UPDATED)

2009-12-13T18:37:00.004-05:00

Here's your late-day Round One playoffs update:

Umpire the Giant (3) v. _____it in the_____: Marcus holds a 10 point lead, which barring a TD by Antonio Gates and some miscellaneous yards might just be enough. This due to the devastating headbutt that Demarcus Ware leveled on one of San Diego's Offensive Tackle ending his participation in today's sporting event. The results of tonight's AZ/SF game also are in play as Marcus is starting AZ's defense.

The Kid fc© v. Neverland Ranchhands: ~~Despite the apparent wishes of Aaron Rodgers to pack up and flee Green Bay for the winter,~~ The Ranchhands find themselves ~~in the driver's seat currently with a 47 point lead~~ going home early. ~~The Kid fc© needs Elisha to throw touchdown passes to receivers not named Steve Smith and a productive night from the AZ/SF game~~.

If 5 weeks ago you asked me to set the odds for Marcus, ~~Joel~~The Kid, Sanders, and myself to be still be playing in week 15 I WOULD HAVE>>>

MY KEYBOARD IS STUCK IN CAPS> I PROMISE I"M NOT YELLING> THIS IS DEVASTATING>

Retirement Notice (with swears!):

2009-11-30T16:40:00.003-05:00

I didn't think I'd beat this motherfucker to retirement...

To The Cocksuckers in this League:

It is with a heavy goddamn heart that I officially announce my balls-deep intentions to step down from my position as Owner and General Manager of the BakdoorConquistadors effective the conclusion of our glorious fucking season. As a proud owner of this really bitchin' franchise, I hope for nothing but the best for the future and continued success through serious ass beatings delivered on the field. I have had a shit load of fun in this league and am sure that fun will continue absent fake blogs and press conferences by my fat bastard self.

Thanks for letting me play you cunts.
Dave

P.S. The offer to pay the Kid's league fees is still on the table since he'll be the only one to hit the minimum number of Pick 'Em selections for the year. Congratulations on your default victory!

2009 IR List

2009-10-23T16:12:00.009-04:00

Owen Daniels - Team ___ it in the ___
Laurent Robinson - Team ___ it in the ___
DeShawn Wynn - Team Touchdown There
Sammy Morris - Team Umpire the Giant
Larry Johnson - Team Never Nudes
Thomas Davis - Team Cardiac Cats
Anthony Gonzalez - Team Touchdown There
Chris Henry - Team BSanders
Chad Pennington - Team BSanders
Ronnie Brown - Team Neverland Ranchhands
Ladell Betts - Team Never Nudes
Clinton Portis - Team Umpire the Giant
Troy Polamalu - Team Neverland Ranchhands

Where Can I Get Some Dam Bait?

2009-10-13T14:17:00.001-04:00

VEGAS VACATION

So besides being the most awesome Fantasy Football draft of all time, we got some real issues to deal with and if you want your voice heard you should be at next year's LMLWFFL Draft in Vegas. The dates are Sunday AUG 22nd-27th (Friday), with the draft being held on the 24th (Tuesday). If you can't be there all 5 days, you should shoot to be there for the "meaty" middle three days (23rd-25th). Consider everyone notified, it is now time to begin arranging vacation schedules to meet this criteria. More discussion to follow on accommodations and plans, but realize that we are going to do this very cheaply so money is not a good excuse to not come.

In God's Hands,
Joel

Draft Pick Trades

2009-09-08T14:04:00.004-04:00

This is the post that will contain all of the draft pick trades for multi year trades. If you're curious about what that means, let the following serve as an example:

Trade #1:
Joel received:
Pat White - QB
2010 2nd Round Pick (from Dave)
2011 2nd Round Pick (from Dave)

Dave received:
Christ Wells - RB

Trade #2:
Devin received:
Julius Jones - RB
2010 1st Round Pick (from Brian)

Brian received:
Brett Favre - QB

Trade #3:
Shawn received:
Brandon Marshall - WR
Matthew Stafford - QB
2010 1st Round Pick (from Bud)

Bud received:
Jay Cutler - QB
Mike Thomas - WR

For the sake of keeping up with the picks so nobody feels cheated, just make sure that they get posted here in the future.

Announcing the Last Post of the Off-Season Can Only Mean One Thing

2009-07-16T15:50:00.002-04:00

It's almost time, dorks. And now, a lazily written paragraph copied directly from the message I sent y'all on Facebook. Just in case.

I renewed the league yesterday, and it can be found at the same place as last year: http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/league/lmlwffl. Also, those teams with players on IR from last season need to get their rosters down to 25 by 12:01am est on August 10th to give the other teams a few days to know exactly who is available come draft weekend. Finally, I need $10 from everybody ASAP to get Brian his jersey in time. My address is 1133 Panther Court Apt #1, Cincinnati, OH 45205. The league was only $30 this year, so I've got that covered.

Also, Joel has been in New York for a week. When he gets back to the Midwest, I think it'd be funny for everyone in the region to pretend we're all asleep. I think it could be cute.

Most Sports Crazed Cities...

2009-07-15T12:10:00.002-04:00

Men's Health Magazine ranked 100 cities according to their sports-crazed-ness. Now we can all beat our chests and tell each other why it's all wrong.

Wuske: Atlanta, GA #63
Farris/Freddo: Columbus, OH #5
Joel: Cleveland, OH #81
Marcus: Las Vegas, NV #72
Devin/The Kid/Bud: Cincinnati, OH #69
Brian: Charlotte, NC #9
Sanders: Washington DC #38
Tony: Phoenix, AZ #28
Jake: Lexington, KY #15

Will the Vikings Chase Him?

2009-07-14T09:05:00.004-04:00

Team "Touchdown There" has yet another decision to make going into this season. Ravens veteran Derrick Mason has decided to call it quits which probably puts yet another WR off the board in the first round of the LMLWFFL draft. This could be the Year of the Receiver.

Assuming Brett Favre stays retired (Ed. note: HA!) Devin will be looking for some more bench players to ride the pine while they're touching down there.

TWITTER TRACKER! TWITTER TRACKER! TWITTER TRACKER!!!!!

2009-07-12T14:08:00.003-04:00

I know of a few of you on Twitter currently, but for those of you who have yet to feel the need to suckle at the tweet teet, let me give you a quick list of some of my favorite LMLWFFL/NFL Twitter users. Some of them have just miserable canned updates while others are pretty fun to read on a daily basis. The most tweeting that I've seen is done by Ochocinco who managed to be on ESPN all week for simply saying he would use Twitter during games. This is without a doubt the lamest time of year for sports. Without any further ado, your near exhaustive list of players you may or may not want to check in on:

Larry Fitzgerald
Chad Ochocinco
Donte Whitner
Jonathan Stewart (you're welcome Brian)
Greg Olsen
Fabian Washington (warning: has a broken Caps Lock button)
Aaron Maybin
Roy Williams
Matt Forte
Knowshon Moreno
Keith Rivers (claims to be "a single ladies???" I promise)
Kevin Smith (always pimping his blog)
Champ Bailey
Ben Utecht (just as Jesus-y as you would expect)
Drew Stanton (only has like 4 updates and they're just what you'd expect from Drew "effing" Stanton)
Steve Slaton
Takeo Spikes
Laurence Maroney (someone get him to convince Logan to tweet)
Percy Harvin
Maurice Jones-Drew (commands you to "humble yourself")
Eddie Royal
Kevin Boss (goes to soccer games?!)
Malcolm Jenkins
Shaun Alexander (see: Utecht, Ben)
Antonio Cromartie (even with 5 paternity suits in the last year [!] has time to tweet)
Vernon Davis
Jay Feely
Randy Moss (one whole update)
Steve Smith (NYG)
Visanthe Shiancoe (not nearly as penis-y as his other internet appearances)
Drew Brees
Warrick Dunn
Nick Mangold
T.J. Duckett (could be the best Twitter name)
Steven Jackson
Mike "NOOOOOOOOOOJ" Nugent
Chris Cooley
LenDale White

If more Twittering becomes fun I'll try and stay on top of this. I follow a couple of the guys but some of them have some really genuine things to say on Twitter that are just grand. Just grand.

Tomfoolery

2009-07-08T11:46:00.003-04:00

How does a smug a-hole decide to try and come across as less smug, you ask? The answer is simple. By being PAINFULLY unfunny.

Players' Union v. Yahoo(!) Falls Short of Supreme Court

2009-07-07T16:43:00.003-04:00

As much as I love some good, litigious drama unfolding before my very eyes, the NFL Players' Union settled with Yahoo(!) where the latter thought it improper to be charged for the stats that the Union's members run up on Sundays, Mondays, and the occasional Thursday.

You read that right. The world's pussiest Union thought that they could muscle Yahoo(!) into paying for the simple arithmetic used to catalog a season. There have got to be some more offseason activities to keep everyone a little busier than they clearly are.

Meet This Year's LMLWFFL #1 Pick

2009-06-17T16:58:00.004-04:00

Word out of Jacksonville is that a certain Todd Boeckman has been signed by the Jaguars forcing Cleo Lemon out of a job.

No telling how many gray and redshirts the NFL allows to force him into a career that rivals that of any kicker in length.

The Only Time in the Year when the NFL is Boring...

2009-06-16T13:58:00.003-04:00

Here are the most exciting headlines this week in the NFL that may or may not have ramifications on the LMLWFFL (it still takes me two minutes to remember that abbreviation).

Devin Dummel's Balls may still have an extra QB: Favre considering comeback with Vikes. Appearing on Joe Buck Live (classy) he said they'll know in a couple weeks whether his robotic arm will be up for beating out the likes of Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels for the starting gig in Minnesota.

Freddo's Murderous WR gets 30 days in Jail: Hooray for rich people! Did you know that the day before the crash Stallworth received a $4.5 million bonus from the Browns just for being on the roster? Ah Cleavland, poor poor Cleavland.

Team Pee Pee's #1 Threat Looking for New Home: As a Broncos fan don't you have to be somewhat weary when your new coach shows up and you immediately lose your best two offensive players? Word is he might ended up in Baltimore, which would send Joe Flacco's stock through the roof (anybody want to trade?)!

Tony's WR and Sander's QB Shacking Up Together in July: Another Joe Buck Live news piece. Carson and OchoCinco are moving in together, for a month, to catch up on lost time, and kiss.

The Best Live Cam You've Taken Part In Since The Last Time You Signed Onto Adult Friend Finder

2009-06-10T10:28:00.003-04:00

For those of you who will be in different geographic locales from Cincinnati on the day of the draft this year, I will be setting up a video chat of the draft board for pick announcements and be running a live chat room for you to communicate your draft picks and dick jokes. If you cannot make the draft chat on draft day then you'll have to submit your list of picks. I'm sure Wuske will be giving the format out for that, but I'm going to e-mail you all the information when we get closer as a reminder. For now, just make sure you add as google chat friends "loganmankinsdraftcam" and "zaocharis". If you don't have google chat it takes 5 seconds to sign up for an account.

The Kid and Sanders Sunk

2009-04-24T10:26:00.002-04:00

Congratulations to Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polamalu for being the first tag team to simultaneously have their careers ended by a retired John Madden.

I'll do you a favor, the Kid, and take Fitz off your hands for this year's number 1 draft pick.

We're on FACEBOOK!!

2009-04-04T17:36:00.001-04:00

The LMLWFFL leaped into 2006 and got itself a Facebook account. So for the 4 of you that aren't there yet, here's your heads up.

Also, the four of you that check this blog more frequently than they check Facebook are ahead of the curve.

Baketball as a Replacement

2009-03-13T13:30:00.002-04:00

So to bide some time between now and the draft, we can play fantasy basketball, no? I think all of you should have been e-mailed, but if you have a different e-mail address than last time it will not come to you. So here's the link:

http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1/register/joinprivategroup_assign_team?GID=66921&P=mankins

DONE!

Mock Draft Action...

2009-02-21T09:55:00.002-05:00

ESPN's Todd McShay has a mock draft on the website. Luckily for us normal folk (who don't have ESPN Insider) they were gracious enough to give us the first sixteen picks. Kiper and his hair gel selfishly kept their entire mock draft to themselves. Believe it or not, McShay has a grand total of four offensive players going in the top sixteen. See the following:

#1 overall to the Detroit Lions: Matthew Stafford. I keep asking myself the question, "If I were a junior in college, knew that I would go #1 overall, and also knew that the Lions had that pick, would I leave school?" That can't be good.

#7 to the Oakland Raiders: Michael Crabtree. Again, people would rather play in Detriot.

#10 to the San Fransisco 49ers: Jeremy Maclin. Who wouldn't want to catch balls from the recently-released-from-prison Michael Vick?

#16 to the San Diego Chargers: Chris Wells. I'll let Wuske come up with a way to make fun of taking Beanie over Knowshon. I'm sure it will hurt everyone involved.

Deuce Set Free Because of Love

2009-02-18T21:04:00.002-05:00

I couldn't sign into Yahoo(!) to see whose team he's on, but Deuce McAllister is the latest victim of the not guaranteed contract per NFL policy.

Picture from my new favorite site: dinosaursfuckingrobots.com. You're welcome.

Jags to Taylor: "Farris Made Us Do It"

2009-02-16T16:45:00.002-05:00

The Jacksonville Jaguars have finally put ~~Old Yeller~~ Fred Taylor out of my misery. It's about g-d time.

Final NFL Draft Order

2009-02-03T09:17:00.002-05:00

Because of ties and trades, this order is only set for the first round. The Draft will take place April 25th and 26th.

1 Detroit Lions
2 St. Louis Rams
3 Kansas City Chiefs
4 Seattle Seahawks
5 Cleveland Browns
6 Cincinnati Bengals
7 Oakland Raiders
8 Jacksonville Jaguars
9 Green Bay Packers
10 San Francisco 49ers
11 Buffalo Bills
12 Denver Broncos
13 Washington Redskins
14 New Orleans Saints
15 Houston Texans
16 San Diego Chargers
17 New York Jets
18 Chicago Bears
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas)
21 Philadelphia Eagles
22 Minnesota Vikings
23 New England Patriots
24 Atlanta Falcons
25 Miami Dolphins
26 Baltimore Ravens
27 Indianapolis Colts
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina)
29 New York Giants
30 Tennessee Titans
31 Arizona Cardinals
32 Pittsburgh Steelers

Rusty Steak Knives Thwarted by Cats, Anti-Tetanus Technology

2008-12-24T11:36:00.004-05:00

The ~~Carolina Panthers~~ Cardiac Cats are the 2008 Logan Mankins Lost Weekend Fantasy Football League Champions. This after a dismal 2007 season in which the team managed to win nothing but the first pick in the 2008 draft.

After the game, GM and Coach Bry-Guy Cotton had this to say: "It's only fitting, though, that the Cardiac Cats would live up their names once again, winning on Monday night by less than 3 points for the 4th time this season." The only question left to be answered is whether or not the Championship Mankins Jersey/Trophy comes in Black and Teal/Aqua.

The Cardiac Cats used a strategy not yet enacted in the league in which the GM's favorite NFL team is chosen to represent him in the LMLWFFL season. Though the Call Me Obama!s have managed to seek out as many Cardinals and Lions during this season.

This was the second year for Barker's Rusty Steak Knives to bring home the Conference Championship as the team overcame impossible odds after losing league beauty Tom Brady. Through its Wide Receiver acquisitions, the team is poised to make yet another run at the LMLWFFL Championship next year.

In other news, Tetanus was once again thwarted by a combination of parental involvement and the work of German bacteriologist Emil Adolf von Behring all the way back in 1890. A local child managed to find a Rusty Steak Knife in a pile of compost in a neighbor's yard that was found through rummaging around the pile. The rusty knife did puncture the child's finger and it was the attentive reaction by the child's parents along with the tetanus vaccine created by von Behring that helped keep the child from contracting the bacteria, also commonly known as "lock-jaw". There are roughly five tetanus related deaths in the United States every year.

Injured Reserve List

2008-09-03T21:37:00.013-04:00

Here is the current I.R. list for the 2008 LMLWFFL season:

Carnell Williams - Team A.I.D.S. Palsy
Chris Brown - Team The Puppet Regimes
Tom Brady - Team Rusty Steak Knives
Nate Burleson - Team the Kid fc
Shawne Merriman - Team the Kid fc
Drew Bennett - Team A.I.D.S. Palsy
Laurence Maroney - Team A.I.D.S. Palsy
Michael Pittman - Team Palin-Obama '08
Ryan Torain - Team (__ it in the __)
Felix Jones - Team A.I.D.S. Palsy
Plaxico Burress - Team Team Last Place
Earnest Graham - Team Rusty Steak Knives

Keep in mind that any player placed on the I.R. won't be able to be used for the entire season, regardless of whether or not he returns to NFL play. The players will be listed on the official site (Yahoo!) as being a free agent, although his rights will stay with the team that placed him on I.R.

Update as of 9/13/08: If you pick up a player after he is already injured, you will be unable to place him on the I.R. without playing him for at least one game. This is to assure that no teams try to use the I.R. list to simply add numbers to their rosters, and to also assure that no team is unfairly attempting to win the McAllister Memorial or something. I don't want to cheapen Marcus's award. You're welcome.

We'll Be Gone 'Til December

2008-08-01T19:51:00.003-04:00

With the draft a mere two weeks away, the blog will once again be mostly abandon. Nothing important will really be posted here and there's a good possibility that nothing at all will be posted here. So move along. There's nothing to see here until we've laid our sweet crown upon the newest owner of a Logan Mankins jersey.

Food for Thought

2008-07-26T18:27:00.002-04:00

Interesting stats from an ESPN The Mag article.

QBs who have benefited the most from YAC:
1. Brees (NO/My Wife Left...): 2112
2. Brady (NE/We Make Victor...): 2018
3. Hasselbeck (SEA/Pee Pee): 1757
4. Romo (DAL/Pen 15): 1719
5. Palmer (CIN/ST Rectal): 1655

RBs with most carries inside the 5 yard line:
1. Lewis (BAL/Pee Pee): 22
2. Addai (IND/ST Recal): 18
3. Portis (WAS/Rick Romo): 17
4. Tomlinson (SD/Flogging Fido): 17
5. Jones (NYJ/Pee Pee): 15

Red Zone Points by WR:
1. Moss (NE/Rick Romo): 99
2. Coltson (NO/Anderson for MVP): 72
3. Edwarads (CLE/Flogging Fido): 63
4. Houshmandzadeh (CIN/Anderson for MVP): 59
5. Welker (NE/Fingerblasters): 55

One For One (Updated Thrice)

2008-07-26T08:05:00.008-04:00

So far the newest edition to the writing team here at LMLWFFL is more or less one for one on his team previews. Kenny Irons, back up to the back up of the back up Running Back in Cincinnati and fan of stuffing midgets into suitcases, failed his physical and was waived by the team. This may as well be another retirement by a Running Back from Joel's team since Irons has yet to see a literal second of playing time in a regular season game.

In "Mostly Washed up Buckeye News", the Cowboys finally decided to give up on Terry Glenn signing a $500,000 injury insurance something or other and waived him.

After more or less telling him that he was unwelcome at their training camp, ~~the Boo Hooters~~ the Oakland Raiders have released LaMont Jordan. This leaves the Boo Hooters wondering how they will find a way to continue on.

LaMont Jordan is now a Patriot.

2008 Season Preview: The Fingerblasters

2008-07-25T10:46:00.003-04:00

The Fingerblasters

Owner: Joel Riehle

Joel won. Remember that guy that had the horribly offensive jersey at the inaugural draft? He won our fantasy league. The guy that drafted Tiki Barber, Joey Galloway, and Torry Holt in the first year of a keeper league. He won. Congrats Joel. His glaring hole coming into the 08 season is at RB. Is Ronnie Brown bound to join his Auburn companion, Cadillac Williams, in the perpetually hurt category? Or will he rebound and be a #1 RB? Will 5 players from Joel’s team retire after the 08 season? Who knows? All there is to know is he is a proud owner of a Logan Mankins jersey and 10 of us are not.

Rising Star
Wes Welker (NE): #14 rated WR by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 1175 yards, 8 TDs
Falling Star
Julius Jones (SEA): 2006 totals: 1084 yards, 2007 totals: 588 yards

Fast Facts
Rushing TDs by 7 RBs: 27
Average age of WRs: 30
Favre replacements?: 1
Last name Brown: 2

2008 Season Preview: We Make Victor Martinez Cry

2008-07-25T10:44:00.002-04:00

We Make Victor Martinez Cry

Owner: Jake Barker

Let’s be honest, WMVMC rode Tom Brady all the way to the championship game. The top producing RB was Chester Taylor, a backup. The best in-season pickup was Roddy White. Jake traded away Reggie Wayne and Ben Roethlisberger just before career seasons. Not to mention all the off the field turmoil with Cedric Benson and Marvin Harrison. Neither Benson nor Shaun Alexander have signed with a team before training camp. The lone glimmer of hope was Michael Turner becoming a free agent, and who does he sign with, Atlanta. Screw me.

Rising Star
Roddy White (ATL): #19 rated WR by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 1202 receptions, 6 TDs
Falling Star
Pick One

Fast Facts
Difference in Brady TDs from 06 to 07: +26
Sons of my former middle school principal: 1
RBs without a Team: 2
Players with possible girl names: 4

2008 Season Preview: The Boo-Hooters

2008-07-25T09:55:00.002-04:00

The Boo-Hooters

Owner: Dave Farris

In his last official season as Commissioner, Dave made quite possibly the worst possible preseason move of 2007: trading Tom Brady. He received three players in return, only one of which remains on his roster (Roethlisberger). The large question that looms over the Hooters coming into the 2008 season is Larry Johnson? Will the #1 overall pick in the LMLWFFL live up to his hype or will Herman Edwards run him into the ground…again?

Rising Star
Antonio Cromartie (SD): 2007 totals: 44 tackles, 10 interceptions
Falling Star
Javon Walker (OAK): 2006 totals: 8 TDs, 2007 totals: 0 TDs

Fast Facts
Difference in Roethlisberger TDs from 06 to 07: +14
2nd String QBs: 2
WR mugged in Vegas: 1
Black WR with Irish name: 1

2008 Season Preview: Flogging Fido

2008-07-25T09:47:00.004-04:00

Flogging Fido

Owner: Tony Galietti

Tony was unable to defend his LMLWFFL inaugural championship. LT didn’t show up until half-way through the season. On the bright side, Flogging Fido still has the top starting WR core. Yet, he lacks a clear #2 RB. It will be a wait-and-see if Derek Anderson can repeat his out-of-nowhere Pro Bowl 2007 season. Tony has very few holes and looks poised to make another long run into the postseason.

Rising Star
Braylon Edwards (CLE): #5 rated WR by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 80 receptions, 1289 yards, 16 TDs
Falling Star
Mark Clayton (BAL): 2006 totals: 5 TDs, 2007 totals: 0 TDs

Fast Facts
TDs by top 3 WRs: 39
TDs by LT: 15
TDs by Other 3 RBs: 10
Self-Indulgent WRs: 2

2008 Season Preview: Mammoth Erection

2008-07-25T09:11:00.003-04:00

Mammoth Erection

Owner: Alex Stebing

The Kid has talent. After Tony, he has the next strongest WR core (Jennings, Wayne, and Boldin). If his RBs could stay healthy for an entire season, together they could rack up yards. His glaring issue is at the QB position. Eli’s Super Bowl win, along with the greatest scramble in Super Bowl history, has enabled many people to forget about his career-high 20 interceptions during the regular season. Hopefully, the Kid won’t be relying on Alex Smith’s tiny hands to pull out wins.

Rising Star
Ryan Grant (GB): 10th rated RB by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 956 yards, 8 TDs
Falling Star
Terry Glenn (DAL): 2006 totals: 1047 yards, 6 TDs, 2007 totals: 0 yards, 0 TDs

Fast Facts
RBs over 900 yards: 4
Former Steroid Users: 1
Former Players at the “U”: 4
Players with two first names: 5

2008 Season Preview: Anderson for MVP

2008-07-24T13:44:00.002-04:00

Anderson for MVP

Owner: Marcus Borton

Still recuperating from the 2006 Fire Sale, Anderson for MVP finished in the middle of the pack in 2007. Marcus had proved to be one of the luckier owners in the LMLWFFL. He lucked into the top 2007 offensive rookie with the #2 pick: Adrian Peterson (MIN). He lucked into the Marques Colston TE/WR debacle in 2006. Did anyone realize Kurt Warner threw for over 3,000 yards and 27 TDs? Who knows what magic he will conjure in 2008?

Rising Star
Adrian Peterson (MIN): 2nd rated RB by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 1341 yards, 12 TDs
Falling Star
Michael Pittman (DEN): 2004 totals: 926 yards, 2007 totals: 286 yards

Fast Facts
Joey Harrington’s 1st Half QB Rating: 84.4
Joey Harrington’s 2nd Half QB Rating: 70.8
WR busted for cocaine possession: 1
Peyton Manning’s 2007 endorsement income: $13,000,000

2008 Season Preview: Pee Pee

2008-07-24T13:40:00.003-04:00

Pee Pee

Owner: Bud Longhauser

Oh Bud. No owner has provided more unintentional comedy that Mr. Longhauser. While at the same time, he’s been surprisingly competitive (backhanded compliment). Team Pee Pee has some key pieces in place for a potential run in 2008. Hasselbeck is ever-consistent. Did anyone realize that Brian Westbrook is only 29 (his injuries make him seem older)? If Brandon Marshall can avoid suspension he’ll produce. Maybe Tennessee will revitalize Alge Crumpler’s career. Whatever happens, we all know that Bud will be fleeced by Wuske for one lopsided trade in 2008.

Rising Star
Brandon Marshall (DEN): 12th rated WR by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 1325 yards, 7 TDs
Falling Star
Thomas Jones (NYJ): 2006 totals: 6 TDs, 2007 totals: 1 TD

Fast Facts
Total Yards by 7 RBs on Roster: 4951
Eagles: 3
Seahawks: 3
Sex Cannons: 1

2008 Season Preview: Rick Romo

2008-07-24T13:35:00.003-04:00

Rick Romo

Owner: Shawn Wuske

I’ll be honest…I didn’t get the name right away. Then I Google-d it and it led me to the YouTube clip where the ineffable Bryant Gumble called Tony, Rick. Now you know. If forced to use one word to describe Wuske’s team it would have to be “stockpiling.” He holds the current title of “Most QBs on current roster.” The amount of talent on the team would lead most to be surprised by the 8th place finish in 2007. Who knows…maybe he’ll be a perennial champ in 2 years…that, or he’ll have a ton of highly-rated college players with mediocre professional careers. We shall see.

Rising Star
Santonio Holmes (PIT): 18th rated WR by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 52 receptions, 942 yards, 8 TDs.
Falling Star
Cadillac Williams (TB): 2005 totals: 1178 yards, 2007 totals: 208 yards

Fast Facts
2007 TDs by 7 QBs on Roster: 50
2008 Pro-Bowlers: 3
Kardashian Boyfriends: 1
Randys: 2

2008 Season Preview: Pen 15

2008-07-24T12:29:00.003-04:00

Pen 15

Owner: Fred Schmidt

Fred apparently subscribed to the Devin Dummel School of Thought with his 4 defensive players and 3 team defenses on his year-end roster. The Pen 15 had a turbulent 2007. Romo endured Bosomy-Blonde-Gate. Shockey sat out the Super Bowl which almost definitely led to his recent trade to the Saints. Lynch hit someone with a car. The good news for us all is you don’t have to be a good person to rack up great stats. The big questions for Fred: will Brady Quinn’s career ever match his stunning good looks? Will Travis Henry find a new team? Is it worth sacrificing a roster spot for the comedic value of keeping Sean Taylor on the squad?

Rising Star
Marshawn Lynch (BUF): 8th Radted RB by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 1115 yards, 7 TDs.
Falling Star
Travis Henry (DEN): 1211 yards in 2006, 691 yards in 2007

Fast Facts
QB turned WR: 1
WR with same name as George Clooney movie: 1
Retired Linemen: 1
Dead People: 1

2008 Season Preview: My Wife Left Me and Know My Balls Hurt

2008-07-24T12:23:00.005-04:00

My Wife Left Me and Know My Balls Hurt

Owner: Devin Dummel

Devin currently holds the title of Most Uncomfortably Personal Team Name as well as 10th place in the LMLWFFL. With Brett Favre’s retirement(?), MWLMANMBH is left with only 1 QB currently on a roster. Devin also made the unprecedented decision to house 2 Kickers, 4 Defensive Players, and 3 Team Defenses on his roster. On the upside, Marion Barber is the clear #1 for Dallas and Drew Brees has nowhere to go but up after last year’s performance.

Rising Star
Marion Barber (DAL): Age 25, 11th rated RB by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 975 yards, 10 TDs.
Falling Star
Edgerrin James (ARI): 13 TDs in 2005, 7 TDs in 2007

Fast Facts
Former Colts: 2
Current Colts: 6
Seriously, Team Defenses: 3
Former Heisman Winners: 1

2008 Season Preview: S.T. Rectal Scurvy

2008-07-24T12:15:00.004-04:00

S.T. Rectal Scurvy

Owner: Sanders

With all the world traveling owner B. Sanders did in 2007 no one’s really sure if he’s paying attention to his lineup. A second-to-last place finish leads to the 2nd overall pick in the 2008 draft. At first glance, Rectal’s lineup seems competitive. Upon further review, declined productivity by Johnson, Palmer, and Gonzalez contributed to the 2007 finish. The obvious needs are for a #2 RB and multiple WRs.

Rising Star
Joseph Addai (IND): Age 24, 5th rated RB by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 1072 yards, 12 TDs.
Falling Star
Rudi Johnson (CIN): 12 TDs in 2006, 3 TDs in 2007

Fast Facts
WRs over the age of 30: 3
Defensive players on roster at the end of 2007 Season: 5
Pro-Bowlers: 1
Former SEC players: 5

2008 Season Preview: The 89s

2008-07-24T12:10:00.003-04:00

I decided to being my LMLWFFL Blog contributions by previewing all 12 teams as they come into the 2008 season. Each team gets its own post full of insight, rising star, falling star, and fast facts. Enjoy.

The 89s

Owner: Brian Cotton

Reeling from a last place finish in the 2007 season The 89s have some soul-searching to do this off-season. The QB controversy is self-evident with Kitna guaranteeing, Testaverde dying, Carr backing-up, and Delhomme recuperating. Did anyone notice that Fast Willie Parker only had 2 Rushing TDs all season? With the #1 overall pick in the 2008 draft, what will B. Cotton do? The Panthers did draft an Oregon RB…I mean how could he not?

Rising Star
Dwayne Bowe (KC): Age 23, 21st rated WR by NFL.com, 2007 totals: 70 receptions, 995 yards, and 5 TDs.
Falling Star
Mike Furrey (DET): 6 TDs in 2006, 1 TD in 2007

Fact Facts
Average Age of QBs: 35
Total TDs by WRs in 2007: 25
Career lost fumbles by Steve Smith: 1
Years before V. Testaverde qualifies for AARP: 6

It's The End of A Long, Hard Summer

2008-07-21T12:04:00.002-04:00

The new league has been purchased. Let me know if you didn't get the e-mail and I'll let you know how to sign up. It's $10 per team. If you'll be at the draft you can just get me the money then. If not, you will be spending eternity in Hell. But before you go, you can mail the check to the same address as for Joel's jersey. Speaking of which, Joel is still shirtless as I haven't received money from six of you. It's clear that none of you have to look at Joel shirtless. If you'll also let me know if you'll be here for LMLWFFL Draft (extravaganza) '08. It's going to be Friday, August 15th-Saturday, August 16th. Once everyone gets signed up for the new league we'll move any updates on to that page for the season, but until then, keep looking for updates here.

Offseason Home of LMLWFFL Now Meeting Ginger Quota

2008-07-13T12:58:00.008-04:00

Since the extent of my skill in writing for this blog begins and ends with what I like to think of as catchy headlines, we have added another pen to our illustrious staff of writers here at the offseason home of the LMLWFFL. For those of you who don't know Jake, I've included the closest thing the internet has to offer in the way of photography below:

Other pictures from the internet that I found of Jake, including a description of the position he held:

Jake as Sweet Child O' Mine.

Jake as the narrator of Arrested Development.

Jake as a gay icon.

Jake as a giant A-hole.

Jake's capacity to write for this blog is limited by nothing but imagination and statistical availability of facts.

In other news, I talked to Marcus this week and he's going to be at the draft, so you have no excuse to not be there. If you're not going to be at the draft, you can suck it.

Booger Sugar Proves Too Tempting for White Receiver With Nothing to Lose

2008-07-10T12:13:00.002-04:00

Matt Jones used his deceptive speed to maintain a wily coke habit where possession was something he was able to block well from the cops and his team up until last night. Jones showed gritty determination in the face of the bust, but being a team player only gets a white guy in Arkansas so far.

Italics don't make sense? Read this story that is a million times funnier.

From The Desk of the Commissioner:

2008-06-25T22:19:00.002-04:00

Full disclosure: I don't even have a desk. I'm sitting in a chair watching Reno 911. But that doesn't make the information here any less official.

The date for the 2008 LMLWFFL Draft (extravaganza) is set for August 15th and 16th, with the three-round draft itself tentatively taking place on Friday evening, with Saturday being the date of the Owners Meeting. If you have any business you'd like to discuss, or any ideas on how to continually improve the league, let me know before the weekend so we can put together a schedule for the day. And Jake's comment about accidental fan mail pushed the pendulum from risk to reward in relation to giving my address here. Here it is:

2149 Sinton Ave, Apt #3, Cincinnati, OH 45206. I've already got the $10 from Dave, but you should all know that Joel will not be showing off the jersey at the draft. He's going on vacation, meaning we'll have to wait until next year for a chance to have our current champion actually attend the following year's draft.

Sorry It Won't Say Riehle Deal On The Back

2008-06-12T21:15:00.004-04:00

It's about that time to start collecting funds for Joel's victory jersey. Ten bucks from everyone (except for Joel, of course) should just about cover the jersey and shipping, and I'll just take care of any extra costs. In the comments section, let me know if you need my new address and I'll e-mail it to you. If that's a problem let me know, but I'd like to get the money as soon as possible so we can get Joel the jersey in time for him to wear it to the draft. Speaking of which, it looks like the date of the 2008 LMLWFFL Draft (extravaganza) will either take place the weekend of August 9th, 16th, or 23rd. Let me know which dates will or will not work. If the draft is on the 23rd, we will only have one week to cut the rosters down to 25 so we can have the week before the season starts to put the rosters on the Yahoo website. A week should obviously be plenty of time, but just keep that in mind as you decide which weekend you'd prefer.

By the way, I added the sentence about my new address after I wrote the rest of the post, which is why it's so awkward to read. I'm not going to change it, though, because I don't want to, and you can't make me.

Cops: "We Make Cedric Benson Walk Line, Recite Alphabet Backwards, Cry"

2008-06-11T14:04:00.003-04:00

DWI squared. It isn't as if Jake was planning on using him anyhow.

"Trainwreck" Organization pen15club Becomes "Porschewreck" Organization

2008-06-06T10:49:00.006-04:00

It looks as though Marshawn Lynch might have been behind the wheel of his Porsche SUV that was involved in a hit-and-run in Buffalo last Saturday. There's probably something clever to say here regarding Marshawn Lynch's inability to avoid women in sidewalks or oncoming linebackers, but I just can't phrase it correctly.

When contacted recently, GM Freddo only offered the following: "We do not wish to comment on an ongoing investigation. We will wait until further details are available."

Don't forget just how deeply this cuts for Freddo as both GM of the pen15club and resident Buffalo Bills fan. Though he's got a lifetime of heartache to go along with those Bills, this is just piling it on.

Selvin Young's Not-So-Secret Desire to Become Trade Bait (UPDATE)

2008-05-31T12:36:00.003-04:00

Selving Young = next 2,000 yard back. At least one major hurdle might be out of his way...

Selvin Young is "f"ing crazy. He told the Denver Post that he will be rushing for 2,000 yards this season, which would make him only the sixth man in the history of the world to do so. Yeah, because when I think "Selvin Young", I think the next "OJ", "Eric Dickerson", "Terrell Davis", "Jamal Lewis", or "Barry Sanders". The Denver Post got their team to crunch the numbers based on Young's 2007 production rate of about 10 carries per game and points out that he needs roughly 12 yards (!) per carry to pull this off.

Jake. Let me do you a favor and take Mr. Brady off your hands for the bright, now guaranteed future of Selvin Young. I'll even go straight up so you can use your draft picks to build your team around the new future face of your franchise.

NEVER...EVER...do a Google Image search for "Insane" unless you have an interest in seeing large, African American body parts. Specifically large, African American body parts being used by young, Caucasian females.

Team Rosters Listed By Draft (extravaganza) Order for Twenty-Aught-Eight

2008-05-14T22:02:00.003-04:00

Here are the current rosters as of 5/14/08.

The 89s:
Kitna, Jon QB
Parker, Willie RB
Williams, DeAngelo RB
Bowe, Dwayne WR
McDonald, Shaun WR
Smith, Steve WR
Clark, Desmond TE
Brown, Kris K
Broncos, DST
Hawk, A.J. LB
Kampman, Aaron DL
Willis, Patrick LB
Carr, David QB
Testaverde, Vinny QB
Booker, Lorenzo RB
Morris, Sammy RB
Wynn, DeShawn RB
Curry, Ronald WR
Furrey, Mike WR
Heap, Todd TE
Reed, Jeff K
Panthers, DST
Pierce, Antonio LB
Delhomme, Jake QB
McAllister, Deuce RB

S.T. Rectal Scurvy:
Palmer, Carson QB
Addai, Joseph RB
Johnson, Rudi RB
Jones, James WR
Toomer, Amani WR
Ward, Hines WR
Gonzalez, Tony TE
Kaeding, Nate K
Steelers, DST
Boley, Michael LB
Lewis, Ray LB
Williams, Roy DB
McNair, Steve QB
Pennington, Chad QB
Faulk, Kevin RB
Jackson, Brandon RB
Bruce, Isaac WR
Davis, Craig WR
Randle El, Antwaan WR
Williams, Demetrius WR
Williams, Reggie WR
Johnson, Eric TE
Elam, Jason K
Rhodes, Kerry DB
Samuel, Asante DB

My Wife Left Now My Balls Wont Stop Hurting:
Brees, Drew QB
Barber, Marion RB
James, Edgerrin RB
Mason, Derrick WR
Stokley, Brandon WR
Williams, Roy WR
Clark, Dallas TE
Folk, Nick K
Colts, DST DST
Brackett, Gary LB
Bulluck, Keith LB
Sanders, Bob DB
Favre, Brett QB
Dayne, Ron RB
Droughns, Reuben RB
Foster, DeShaun RB
Booker, Marty WR
Engram, Bobby WR
Hester, Devin WR
Jarrett, Dwayne WR
Nugent, Mike K
Bills, DST
Cowboys, DST
Jackson, Marlin DB

pen 15 club:
Romo, Tony QB
Fargas, Justin RB
Thomas, Anthony RB
Battle, Arnaz WR
Muhammad, Muhsin WR
Stallworth, Donte' WR
Witten, Jason TE
Feely, Jay K
Vikings, DST
Gamble, Chris DB
Hali, Tamba DL
Strahan, Michael DL
Culpepper, Daunte QB
Leftwich, Byron QB
Quinn, Brady QB
Henry, Travis RB
Lynch, Marshawn RB
Avant, Jason WR
Clayton, Michael WR
Ginn Jr., Ted WR
Shockey, Jeremy TE
Eagles, DST
Giants, DST
Taylor, Sean DB

Rick Romo:
Kolb, Kevin QB
Bush, Reggie RB
Portis, Clinton RB
Chambers, Chris WR
Evans, Lee WR
Henry, Chris WR
Gates, Antonio TE
Bironas, Rob K
Jaguars, DST
Briggs, Lance LB
Cole, Trent DL
Urlacher, Brian LB
Bulger, Marc QB
Croyle, Brodie QB
Cutler, Jay QB
Losman, J.P. QB
Russell, JaMarcus QB
Schaub, Matt QB
Bennett, Michael RB
Jacobs, Brandon RB
Maroney, Laurence RB
Williams, Ricky RB
Bennett, Drew WR
Moss, Randy WR
McMichael, Randy TE
Williams, Cadillac RB
Holmes, Santonio WR

Pee Pee:
Hasselbeck, Matt QB
Lewis, Jamal RB
Westbrook, Brian RB
Curtis, Kevin WR
Marshall, Brandon WR
Porter, Jerry WR
Crumpler, Alge TE
Brown, Josh K
Packers, DST
Peppers, Julius DL
Vrabel, Mike LB
Williams, Madieu DB
Grossman, Rex QB
Buckhalter, Correll RB
Jones, Thomas RB
Morency, Vernand RB
Peterson, Adrian RB
Smith, Musa RB
Branch, Deion WR
Jackson, Vincent WR
Kennison, Eddie WR
Stovall, Maurice WR
Stevens, Jerramy TE
Brubaker, Mark K
Buccaneers, DST

Anderson for MVP:
Manning, Peyton QB
Graham, Earnest RB TB
Peterson, Adrian RB MIN
Colston, Marques WR NO
Crayton, Patrick WR DAL
Houshmandzadeh, T.J. WR CIN
Lee, Donald TE GB
Crosby, Mason K GB
Bears, DST DST CHI
Barnett, Nick LB GB
Clements, Nate DB SF
Williams, Mario DL HOU
Harrington, Joey QB ATL
Warner, Kurt QB ARI
Keith, Kenton RB IND
McGahee, Willis RB BAL
Morris, Maurice RB SEA
Pittman, Michael RB TB
Cotchery, Jerricho WR NYJ
Davis, Andre WR HOU
Jones, Matt WR JAC
Rice, Sidney WR MIN
Daniels, Owen TE HOU
Cardinals, DST DST ARI
Mathis, Rashean DB

Mammoth Erection:
Manning, Eli QB
Gore, Frank RB
Jackson, Steven RB
Boldin, Anquan WR
Jennings, Greg WR
Wayne, Reggie WR
Cooley, Chris TE
Gould, Robbie K
Chiefs, DST
Barber, Ronde DB
Merriman, Shawne LB
Peterson, Julian LB
Feeley, A.J. QB
Garrard, David QB
Grant, Ryan RB
Leonard, Brian RB
Taylor, Fred RB
Watson, Kenny RB
Berrian, Bernard WR
Burleson, Nate WR
Gonzalez, Anthony WR
Olsen, Greg TE
Stover, Matt K
Titans, DST
Reed, Ed DB
Smith, Alex QB
Glenn, Terry WR

Flogging Fido:
Anderson, Derek QB
Tomlinson, LaDainian RB
White, LenDale RB
Edwards, Braylon WR
Johnson, Chad WR
Owens, Terrell WR
Miller, Heath TE
Hanson, Jason K
Ravens, DST
Howard, Thomas LB
Tatupu, Lofa LB
Witherspoon, Will LB
Campbell, Jason QB
Rivers, Philip QB
Bush, Michael RB
Washington, Leon RB
Carter, Drew WR
Clayton, Mark WR
Jenkins, Michael WR
Walter, Kevin WR
Miller, Zach TE
Longwell, Ryan K
Saints, DST
Revis, Darrelle DB
Ross, Aaron DB

The Boo Hooters:
Roethlisberger, Ben QB
Jones-Drew, Maurice RB
Smith, Kolby RB
Burress, Plaxico WR
Driver, Donald WR
Washington, Nate WR
Watson, Benjamin TE
Gostkowski, Stephen K
Chargers, DST
Allen, Jared DL
Cromartie, Antonio DB
Taylor, Jason DL
Beck, John QB
Edwards, Trent QB
Smith, Troy QB
Green, Ahman RB
Jordan, LaMont RB
Young, Selvin RB
Fitzgerald, Larry WR
Hackett, D.J. WR
Jones, Brandon WR
Walker, Javon WR
Scheffler, Tony TE
Redskins, DST
Bailey, Champ DB
Leinart, Matt QB
Johnson, Larry

We Make Victor Martinez Cry:
Brady, Tom QB
Alexander, Shaun RB
Taylor, Chester RB
Johnson, Andre WR
Johnson, Calvin WR
White, Roddy WR
Davis, Vernon TE
Akers, David K
Seahawks, DST
Bodden, Leigh DB
Fletcher, London LB
Morrison, Kirk LB
Clemens, Kellen QB
Redman, Chris QB
Young, Vince QB
Benson, Cedric RB
Betts, Ladell RB
Dunn, Warrick RB
Turner, Michael RB
Ward, Derrick RB
Brown, Reggie WR
Harrison, Marvin WR
Henderson, Devery WR
Moss, Santana WR
Raiders, DST

The FingerBlasters:
McNabb, Donovan QB
Jones, Kevin RB
Stecker, Aaron RB
Galloway, Joey WR
Holt, Torry WR
Welker, Wes WR
Winslow, Kellen TE
Graham, Shayne K
Patriots, DST
Harrison, James LB
Johnson, Derrick LB
Ryans, DeMeco LB
Garcia, Jeff QB
Jackson, Tarvaris QB
Rodgers, Aaron QB
Brown, Chris RB
Henry, Chris RB
Jones, Julius RB
Norwood, Jerious RB
Coles, Laveranues WR
Jurevicius, Joe WR
Smith, Steve WR
Vinatieri, Adam K
Bengals, DST DST
Brown, Ronnie RB
Irons, Kenny RB

Rosters and the Trades that Alter Them

2008-05-10T09:10:00.002-04:00

There's been some rumblings around these parts and others trying to figure out how we can look at the rosters. The good news is until June 25th (I believe) we can look at the rosters on the CBS Sportsline site. I'm exporting all of the info in Excel so that I can post them here and e-mail that file if you're interested in taking a peek.

And what about all of those pre-draft day trades you ask? If you have an interest in trading your pick(s) or some of your players, then now is the time to do so. You can send people an e-mail, message them on facebook, or use the comments section on this site to advertise your trade prowess.

Last and foremost, start working on those new team names. Once the new incarnation of Michael Chiklis has been able to get info back from everyone on draft day availability, etc. the info will be here.

Riehle Deal Suicide Watch Enters Second Day

2008-04-27T17:10:00.003-04:00

Below is an excerpt from the Hamiltonian, last heard from in their piece titled "We Make We Make Victor Martinez Cry Lose, Cry".

Fairfield Township -- The residents of this beloved hamlet found north of Cincinnati awoke to the second day of what has become tense negotiations between two General Managers who suddenly have something to prove. General Manager Riehle, last year's LMLWFFL champion, and Ted Thompson of the Green Bay Packers found themselves in a stand off that has included shouting matches, stare downs, rock/paper/scissors, judo, and automatic weapons purchased on the black market from former Soviet States. At stake is the future of signal calling for both the Finger Blasters and the Packers (no relation). GM Riehle, excited for the opportunity to relieve himself of the shadow of Brett Favre, has cast his lot with young Aaron Rodgers.

Up until yesterday's NFL Draft, it appeared that the same could be said of the General Manager of the Packers Ted Thompson as well. But after choosing two young quarterbacks during the festivities, it appears that the shareholders/people of the community have spoken in a unified voice that says "F*** you GM Riehle." The hostility seems to have arisen from the celebration consecrated by Riehle at the retirement of Brett Favre at the conclusion of the 2007 NFL season. The Packers spent two of their ten picks on Quarterbacks Brian Brohm of Lousiville and Matt Flynn of the National Championship winning Louisiana State Tigers. Both young men participated in a recent teleconference with Ted Thompson to GM Riehle in which the three members of the Packers organization present simply presented their middle fingers to GM Riehle.

Ted Thompson being the cock-tease that GM Riehle still hates.
Aaron Rodgers could not be reached for comment. There is a rumor that he is being sheltered in the Riehle compound preparing the noose, arsenic capsules, and fully loaded guns presumably to be used for russian roulette.

Consistantly Overrated Drunk Driver Joins Consistantly Overrated Defense

2008-04-23T17:34:00.002-04:00

The impending deal between the Boo Hooters own Jared Allen from Kansas City to Minnesota has gone through giving the Kansas City Chiefs 6 of the first 82 picks and 13 overall picks in Saturday's draft (Ed. note - they damn well better draft five offensive lineman and a new TE so LJ can turn it around).

Hey. Speaking of that draft. If anyone wants to come to my house, we're having a Draft Lounge Party. Meaning quite simply that we're going to sit on the couch all afternoon and watch the draft while doing some considerable lounging. Leave a comment or call me to RSVP. Lounging to begin around 3p.

Favre to Riehle: Talent has NOTHING to do with it!

2008-04-10T07:44:00.003-04:00

With all of the recent rumblings here on this International Sensation of a blog in the Comments section by a certain Riehle Deal, I found it not at all surprising that Brett Favre has now had to go to the Biloxi Sun-Herald to make his rebuttal. In an article published today, Mr. Favre has come out to remind the media, football fans, and GM Riehle himself that talent has nothing to do with Aaron Rodgers new opportunity. Quoth the legend in reference to coming back into the fold:

"Aaron has fallen into a great situation. And if that opportunity presented itself and they did call, it would be tempting. And I very well could be enticed to do it.

I'll take credit for the emphasis above. Brett Favre is now just biding his time for the inevitable injury/air show disaster that will be the future of Aaron Rodgers.

Maybe That Took Longer Than It Should Have Taken

2008-04-03T15:33:00.003-04:00

Anybody desperate for a wide receiver desperate for a team desperate for a wide receiver? If so, don't hesitate to call Team Rick Romo's front office. Chris Henry, wide receiver from team Rick Romo, has been released by the Cincinnati Bengals. In some belated news, Team S.T. Rectal Scurvy's kicker Jason Elam is now an Atlanta Falcon, and Team The 89s's quarterback David Carr is now a New York Giant. Expect GMs Wuske, Sanders, and Cotton to each release his respective player once they realize each is still taking up a roster spot.

"Go F**k Yourselves, St. Louis"

2008-03-11T18:24:00.003-04:00

I don't know what the deal is. Here I am - a serviceable, seasoned, and available Quarterback - and you go and sign that ass clown? Trent Green spent the last season learning the alphabet while I was completing passes. Trent Green is today closer to Alzheimer's then I'll be for another five, maybe six years.

And I know that the only reason I wanted to play for you guys was because I would be in the same situation as I was here. You're looking at a starting quarterback who tears a shoulder putting on his pads and a team whose colors I can see despite my color blindness. I can't imagine why I wouldn't be a good fit.

Plus, Branson is right down the road and I really want to see Regis perform live.

Free Agency WIll Destroy Us All (Updated)

2008-02-29T15:06:00.012-05:00

Last updated at 6.45p on 03/05. Latest updates in italics. Also, Joel finally speaks on the passing of Brett Favre's consecutive start record.

The good news comes through here in that I think I'll use this post to update the goings on with all of the free agency moves that have happened so that I don't have to keep looking at Lil' Wayne. Below you'll find the team names for our league with the players on the move in the order of who is tallying up the most changes. Enjoy.

Pee Pee:
Jerry Porter (WR) - to Jacksonville.
Madieu Williams (S) - to Minnesota.
Alge Crumpler (TE) - to Tennessee.
Eddie Kinneson (WR) - teamless in real life.
Josh Brown (K) - to St. Louis.

pen15 club:
Mushin Muhammad (WR) - to Carolina.
Byron Leftwich (QB) - teamless in real life.
Anthony Thomas (RB) - teamless in real life.
Donte Stallworth (WR) - to Cleveland.

My Wife Left Me...:
Marty Booker (WR) - to Chicago.
DeShaun Foster (RB) - to San Francisco.
Brett Favre (QB) - one foot in the grave.

S.T. Rectal Scurvy:
Isaac Bruce (WR) - to San Francisco.
Asante Samuel (CB) - to Philadelphia.

We Make Victor...:
Michael Turner (RB) - to Atlanta.
Warrick Dunn (RB) - teamless in real life.

The Boo-Hooters:
Javon Walker (WR) - to Oakland.

The 89s:
David Carr (QB) - teamless in real life.

Mammoth Erection:
Bernard Berrian (WR) - to Minnesota.

Anderson for MVP:
Joey Harrington - teamless in real life.

Jordan Palmer (not the commentator) Still Available - Updated

2008-02-27T20:31:00.006-05:00

The League Communications Office is trying to get this in by the "scheduled" Blogger outage that is to happen sometime in the next 10 minutes, so small update below. The following is a small summary of the events of the past couple of days in NFL changes with the looming Free Agent signing period to begin shortly. More updates to follow, but check out the hot Fantasy Action below:

Kevin Faulk - S.T. Rectal Scurvy (Busted for weed. Just a misdemeanor.)
Anthony Thomas - pen15 club (Teamless in real life.)
Mushin Muhammad - pen15 club (Signed up to the Panthers. Get your trade bait ready for Bry-Guy.)
David Carr - The 89s (Teamless in real life.)
Eddie Kennison - Pee Pee (Should've retired a couple of years ago, and now teamless in real life. This is what happens.)
Isaac Bruce - S.T. Rectal Scurvy (Teamless in real life.)

That's all for now. In obviously related news, Kevin Faulk was at a Lil' Wayne concert when he was busted for possession. For the record, Lil' Wayne has been busted for marijuana possession in the following locales: New York (respectable), Boise (understandable), and Yuma (confusing). Good luck with those drug tests and with trying to catch up with Lil' Wayne's "rap" sheet.

Updated to reflect the addition of Isaac Bruce

So what's next?

2008-02-06T21:00:00.000-05:00

Well, that's going to be up to you guys. We may or may not have come across the physical address of one Logan L. Mankins by which we may or may not be drawing up and sending official correspondence through the United States Postal Service in order to make contact with Mr. Mankins. So what should we ask for? Autographs? Jerseys? Afternoons alone? Facial hair growth tips? Leave your ideas in the comments...

Not Yet, Sweet Prince...

2008-02-02T18:57:00.000-05:00

Sorry Logan. You've had an All-Pro year, but you aren't yet eligible for the Hall of Fame yet. Let's just hope they don't go all "Chris Carter" on you and keep you out on your first f*cking ballot, too.

Image from Kissing Suzy Kolber and probably somewhere else before that...